Add your confusion - Why did God let this happen to me? Why didn't God strike him dead? Why doesn't God make this all go away? Why does it get harder for me every day? How could God love me and stand back and watch me live in absolute misery? . . . . . . And you can add your own to the list.
I can't answer all your questions, but it may help you to hear the story of someone else who felt abandoned and cast off by God. Elijah, an Old Testament prophet, had gone "toe to toe" with the very wicked and abusive king Ahab and his equally bad wife Jezebel. These two people were murderous and idolatrous and Elijah told them face to face that God was judging them with a drought. Elijah endured the drought, protected one hundred Godly prophets from the rulers' murderous intents, triumphed in an intense conflict with Ahab on Mt. Carmel, then ran for his life from his most recent death threat (one of several).
Elijah had borne a great load of injustice and mistreatment. After asking God to let him die, he slept and then awoke to a meal prepared by God and then slept some more. Able to travel again, Elijah left but again found himself hiding in a cave - with serious issues. He told God -
. . . "the children of Israel have forsaken Thy covenant, thrown down Thine altars, and slain Thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."
(I Kings 19:10). Do you know how it feels to fear for your life?
In that cave, Elijah experienced a strong wind, an earthquake, and a fire - but God wasn't in them. After all the turmoil came a "still, small voice" that Elijah knew to be God's and, after a little more arguing, Elijah was able to gain strength to move forward again in victory.
You're in a storm - everything is whirling around you in chaos. You don't sense God or His love in your catastrophe. But there will eventually come a "still, small voice" if you'll keep listening. God will renew your faith and hope. It may take a long time, but keep watching and waiting for God. Keep looking up. "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
Jesus cried out from the cross as He agonized in death: "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). He understands how it feels to be truly abandoned by God. Go to Him with your feelings, and keep telling yourself that help is on the way for you.
