"I'm so confused."

Confusion reigns supreme in the teen years - even if you have no particularly traumatizing events to endure.

Who's REALLY on your side? One morning, you're sure it's your mom and the next morning you wake up assured that your mom is the last person on earth who could ever be on your side - I mean, she's two different people!

And what's the truth? One person explains it this way and, by the time you walk to your next class, somebody else has talked you into seeing it the totally opposite way.

Now throw in a mentally (as well as physically) overwhelming crisis such as rape, and you've got one more pretty mixed-up teen-ager!

Who can you trust? Or is there ANYBODY you can trust?

You're probably pretty frustrated by now if you've read all the posts before this part. You're thinking, "This nut has given me no answers. Another silly person who thinks they've got something to say that they think will help me! Oh, brother!"

You know why you feel that way? Because all these things we - your helpers - throw at you require one crucial element YOU have to contribute: FAITH. No, we can't promise you that everything's gonna' magically be fixed. We CAN promise you a better day - but YOU have to believe that!

What's the recipe for faith? You have to start with a situation that you see no evidence for or facts that will lead to improvement. YOU MUST HAVE A HUMAN IMPOSSIBILITY TO PRACTICE FAITH. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things NOT

SEEN." (Hebrews 11:1) You've definitely met the first requirement for faith!

The second ingredient in faith's recipe is God. You can be confused about God and still practice faith in God - Jesus talked about "faith as a grain of mustard seed" (Luke 17:6) - that's pretty small! Just keep reading your Bible and God will become clearer to you - "And ye shall seek Me (God) and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) No human can outline exactly how God will help you - because God is infinitely wiser than any of us, and He has no limitations.

The third element for faith is your focus - what are you going to look at? Are you gonna' endlessly re-hash all your problems, or are you gonna' keep your eyes firmly on God? Psalm 27:13 says you have to BELIEVE first before you can SEE the goodness of the LORD - and if you don't, you'll faint!

But you say, "What do you mean, 'Keep my eyes on God' - how am I supposed to do that?"

I'm glad you asked, 'cause it's all in the Bible - the Bible reveals God to us - "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God." (Romans 10:17). And the Bible will fill your mind with truth, and the truth will conquer your confusion!

Dear survivor - you've made it through so much heartbreak and loss, here is my prayer for the next stages of your brave journey: "For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, . . . That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man; THAT CHRIST MAY DWELL IN YOUR HEARTS BY FAITH; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." (Ephesians 3:14, 16-21)

"Why couldn't I stop this?"

You've turned it around over and over in your head: "What could I have done differently? How could I have changed it?"

Your friends and your parents may even have put in their "two cents" about what you "should" have done or not have done. You have beat yourself a thousand times with "if only's".

You may feel guilty 'cause you didn't "fight back". I've heard it said many times - YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE. You've got to tell yourself that as many times as it takes until it finally sinks in.

Many criminals gain their power to succeed in their schemes by brute force. This means that if the perpetrator is bigger or stronger than you are, or has a weapon, he can carry out the plan. It can be hard for even trained and armed police officers to catch or stop an attacker.

You've learned, though, that criminals want an easy target - their best chance to get by with the crime. You may have realized by now how your circumstances made you an easy target. And there are many ways to keep yourself from being in a weak position again.

However, you still can't ignore that feeling of powerlessness and complete helplessness. You know that reality, as few others ever will. In your mind, your attacker seems to get bigger every day.

Remember when we said a rapist's goal is to conquer and subdue? Well, a big part of the attack is in the mental realm. Your perpetrator attempted to control you mentally as well as physically. The good news is - you can do something about your own mind. This is one thing your psychologists and counselors are helping you work on: your thought patterns, to break the attacker's mental hold on you. This is a big reason you don't want to quit on your appointments! Your counselors have worked with other survivors beside you, and they know the signs that you're ready to be released from counseling. COOPERATE WITH THESE PEOPLE!

Your mind is a spiritual battlefield. The devil's biggest victories begin in your head. Ephesians 6:11-18 talks about filling your head with truth from the Bible (not the lies of Satan), walking in righteousness and peace and faith and salvation and "praying always." Philippians 4:8 talks about thinking on what is honest, just, pure, lovely, good, virtuous, and praise-worthy. II Corinthians 10:5 says you can cast down "imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." John 8:44 calls Satan a liar and the father of lies and says that there is no truth in him.

So, figure out how to stop listening to the lies the devil whispers to you. Do not cooperate with the devil's plans to bring you down!

"I don't want to know what I know."

Showing up for your first day of college orientation is an exciting, if somewhat scary, experience.

What makes it exciting? Well, for one thing, something inside tells you that, when you make it through four years there, you will graduate a different person - because of all you'll learn and the experiences you'll have. All the new ideas and knowledge will push you to grow.

The knowledge you get at college is, generally speaking, a positive thing, as it prepares you for a productive career.

Unfortunately, negative experiences force us to a depth of knowledge, also - knowledge we never wanted to bear. There's a nagging awareness in us - that knowledge brings responsibility, and we don't want that.

Did you know that doctors and nurses are obligated to stop and help accident victims or others experiencing physical trauma? It's because their specialized knowledge prepares them to help as noone else can. I'm sure there have been times that a doctor, while taking his wife out for a relaxing meal, has been interrupted to rescue a choking victim when he didn't really feel like being "on duty." His knowledge brings added responsibility.

Someday, you'll be stronger than you are today. You aren't ready for this yet, but in the future you will be helping someone else because of what you've gone through. Don't pressure yourself, but begin to think, "Where can I go with this - eventually? How can I turn these burdens into a benefit? How have other people handled this?"

Brainstorm ideas for how, if you could change anything, you would make the world better for rape/sexual abuse victims. What might have prevented your disaster? What would have made things easier for you after it happened? Probably you will finally land on some specific, do-able ideas that someone who had never made this journey couldn't discover. And there will come a time when your thoughts can actually make a difference. Make plans to clear the way for that day to come. Prepare for your turn, AFTER you get better, to help.

Jesus didn't want the responsibility and horror of the cross - He said, "Father (God), if Thou be willing, remove this cup" (dying on the cross) "from Me: . . . " (Luke 22:42) But how thankful we are that He allowed Himself the suffering! His torture and agony gave HOPE - to a WHOLE WORLD through out all the ages.

Let your life and your recovery bring hope - Jesus will help you.

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." (Romans 15:13)

"What about my privacy?"

Let's say you're five years old and you've painstakingly and proudly built an elaborate castle with your blocks. Then, a 5'9" bully with a smirk on his face comes along and smashes your castle to the ground, and starts taking your blocks away.

What do you do?

Well, in addition to throwing a fit, you frantically scramble to protect as many blocks as you can - in hopes of possibly re-building your castle in peace.

That's kinda' where you're at with your privacy. Your "castle" was smashed by a bully and you're desperately snatching chances to re-gain what is personally yours. How can you do that?

First of all, every survivor will be different in what they need to re-build their privacy. Your needs in this area will be different from another victim's needs that you know. Noone else will know what you need or when you need it. So we're back to communication. You must figure out, "What is bothering me about this situation? What would make me feel better?" and then ask for it nicely.

You may have to ask your gym teacher, "Is there a place I can dress out in private?" Or, in the planning stages of a trip, you could say, "I'll pay extra if I can have my own room." Or, you may need to tell a friend, "I just don't feel like talking about that right now. Can we talk about something else?" At a slumber party, you can say, "I'll wait to change in the bathroom." Or if a friend wants to follow you into the mall dressing room, you can say, "Look, I have this thing about being in a dressing room by myself. I'll come out and show you the outfit when I get it on."

It's no surprise that you're sensitive in this area. And this is repititious, I know, but you are under no obligation to explain the reasons why you need extra privacy. If someone tries to force you to "confess", you just say, "Well, that's private. I'm just asking for some extra help, that's all." And do your best not to sound angry or defensive or sarcastic. The person may say no to your request, and you may have to end up asking someone else. That's o.k. - keep trying - respectfully and kindly, though persistently.

Keep remembering - Jesus has a heart for re-building what has been torn down. His heart is for you. Jesus was talking about Himself when He said, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He (God) hath anointed Me (Jesus) to preach the gospel to the poor; He hath sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, . . . " (Luke 4:18).

" 'You have to forgive.' "

Pressure, pressure, pressure.

You might respond to this speaker - not in a mean way, but with an impish, teasing twinkle in your eye - have THEY forgiven everyone in life THEY need to forgive? I doubt it - yet you're somehow required to get every little detail of your travesty "just so."

I'm not a psychologist or counselor, but my guess is an EFFECTIVE counselor will not belabor this point. I'm also assuming every rape victim knows they've been raped. Now you're saying, "Huh? What does that have to do with forgiveness?"

O.k. - here it is - let's say you're "making out" with somebody, and things go even further. I believe you know when it "turns the corner" into rape because I believe EVERY RAPE VICTIM FEARS FOR THEIR LIFE. Rape is beyond "rough sex" - it enters the realm of being violent and even murderous. And every survivor knows this: rape is not a minor "breaking the rules" - rape is dangerous and many times deadly.

Therefore, a good counselor will understand - at first, probably the most pressing issue is NOT forgiveness, but to be sure you're in safe circumstances right now. Then, you've also got to FEEL safe, or at least, feel a tiny bit safer. You can't even think straight 'til that issue is addressed. Then it's got to be drummed into your head that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT and you get into self-image issues (and that can take awhile). And you've got to talk about how to deal with your relationships now and how to cope with the day-to-day requirements of your world. Then there's possible post-traumatic stress disorder and depression issues to be resolved.

You don't put an accident victim into physical therapy when he's still in the emergency room: to me, a rape survivor spends quite awhile in the "emergency room." Forgiveness seems to be more of a "long term" issue (the "physical therapy" stage, if you will) - something you get to AFTER you're out of the emergency room, at the END of your recovery.

And you must understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting, having a "warm, fuzzy feeling" toward the attacker, acting like it doesn't matter, or resuming the relationship. You can forgive even when you're in a lawsuit to hold the perpetrator accountable.

Maybe forgiveness has to do more with your motives - WHY do you want to put your attacker in jail? Work toward an attitude of protecting others, making a safer school or city, a "wake-up call" for a dangerous person who's out of control. Try to move away from - wanting the person to agonize and suffer. Those feelings will hurt YOU more than anybody else.

And keep working on your own recovery. I know this - the stronger and safer you feel, the easier it is to meet the requirement of forgiveness.

God will help you where you're weak! "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) Never forget: He's walking through this with you and He is the Great Forgiver. He's got extra forgiveness in His "basket" to fill up your empty forgiveness basket.

All you have to do is ask.

" 'You're bitter.' "

Here we go. More criticism.

I believe that when people say this, they aren't really saying what they mean. I think what they really mean is, "Wow. I've never watched or listened to anger this deep and intense and it scares me." I believe that when someone loves you and sees you so distraught, it upsets them and they just want everything to be fine again . . . NOW! They honestly care about you and they want to see you happy, not devastated. And, since they don't know what else to do or say, they think they can snap you back to being o.k. by throwing out something that it seems like you can actually DO something about.

But here's the facts - YOU WILL BE ANGRY, REAL ANGRY.

If you're not right now, you'll get there, sooner or later. In a way, anger is necessary and good. You see, if you don't get angry, you're probably denying to yourself what really happened - and denial can end up being a bad thing. Also, anger is active and energizing and you'll be more likely to be driven to make some positive improvements in your situation if you're angry about it. Another thing - if you don't get angry, you're likelier to fall into patterns of non-resistance to future victimizations.

In fact, in the generally known and accepted stages of grief, anger is one of the "steps": 1) Denial: "It didn't happen," or, "It doesn't really matter." 2) Anger: "I will get them back if it's the LAST thing I do." 3) Bargaining: "If I do thus and so, everything's gonna' be like it was before." 4) Depression: "Nothing's working, so I'll just give up." 5) Acceptance: "I don't want this, but I'm gonna' be o.k. - eventually."

These are stages you'll feel yourself go through. Sometimes, you get stuck in one stage a long time. But, you'll know - you're better off than you were last year at this time.

God even gives you permission to be angry: "BE YE ANGRY" (Ephesians 4:26) - but He issues a warning: "and sin not." It's all in what you do with your anger. That's the key. USE your anger for good!

One time I was so angry I knew I was fixing to "be bad" because of it, so I painted my shed in the back yard. I was STILL angry, so I painted the outside of my house. For several years afterward, I would look at my house and my shed and know - something positive came out of my negative experience.

Get together with a group of kids who've told you they were raped, read a rape recovery book together and discuss it. Offer to drive a fellow victim to the rape crisis center for counseling. Schedule a meeting with your principal and request added security in the school hallways and rest rooms. Go out for the football team.

Trust me - you can get SO MUCH done when you're angry!

" 'Just get over it.' "

"What's wrong with her? I know she got raped, but couldn't she get over it by now? I mean, it's been a whole year."

Well, we both know that if you could "just get over it", you certainly would have by now. It's not like this stuff is fun and enjoyable.

I had a big dog once - in a tiny, muddy back yard. When I rescued the dog from a downpour once by gathering him into my postage-stamp size kitchen, he shook all over . . . and then he shook AGAIN. It took a long time to first get the dog clean and dry, and then restore my kitchen! The tasks just went on and on - and in the months to come I continued to discover amazing places shaken mud could land.

I'm not comparing you to my dog - but I am comparing your "clean-up job" with my kitchen rescue. You never asked for this huge job you've now got to do - and you were totally unprepared for it. In some ways, it's like asking a non-runner to show up for the Boston marathon! But many people just don't understand that.

Even the apostle Paul in the New Testament had something he couldn't get over - he called it his "thorn in the flesh" - a "messenger of Satan." (II Corinthians 12:7) Remember what a bold, mighty soulwinner Paul was?

But this thing - whatever it was - hindered his way. Do you feel like you're dragging around a "messenger of Satan"? Paul even asked God three times to take it away. God didn't take it away, but He gave Paul a message that ministered to him deeply and has sustained countless faltering saints since: "And He (God) said unto me (Paul), 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'" (II Corinthians 12:9)

Ignore those who say, "Just get over it." Don't take those words to heart. Instead, respond with, "I am - a little more every day," and tell yourself over and over: "I AM making progress. I am doing what I can to overcome this. Things will get better."

And know - you are a walking testimony to God's grace. He is showing Himself sufficient to you in very unexpected and unfamiliar ways. The weakness you have experienced is being swallowed up into God's strength - a little bit more every day.

Imagine sharing a burden similar in size with someone as great and victorious as the Apostle Paul!