I think the psychological term for this is "vulnerability." And rape/sexual abuse ravages your vulnerability as few other possible life-situations ever could. You probably feel naked all the time. You think you can walk into a room and, you don't know how, but everybody can look at you and they "just know." And if they know, you somehow think YOU'RE the one who's supposed to feel ashamed (instead of your perpetrator). It's like you think YOU did something wrong (which you didn't - we've covered this one before, remember?)
I guess another side to vulnerability is feeling helpless. You've experienced the frightening and sobering reality that you were powerless to prevent or stop the attack. It's like an un-armed soldier jumped by the enemy - he's vulnerable 'cause he's defenseless. You know all about dangerous situations. What's more - at the very least, you feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable and awkward.
Hopefully you're surrounded by people who understand your need to pull back and "re-group" - recover your defenses, as the saying goes. But that's not always the case. It's very easy for people to misunderstand your need to think, "de-compress", and better equip yourself - to just RECOVER.
For this reason, it's up to you to communicate better than you ever have before - "I just need some alone time. I'll go with you next time." "Look, can we postpone this 'til next week? I can't 'breathe' right now - I've got to get some 'air'." "Nothing's wrong - this has nothing to do with you - I'm just taking a mental health break over some personal issues." You think up your own responses and write them on index cards. You are under no obligation to "spill" your situation - just respectfully request a break.
If the person gets too aggressive and rude asking too many questions, just tell them, "I have to ask you to stop asking questions, 'cause I won't be answering them. Please respect my privacy. I'll call you later." - and walk away. Don't automatically write the person off, 'cause it could be genuine concern prompting the nosiness. However, you may have to adjust to the fact that, with certain personalities, you just have to be more assertive in protecting your personal spaces.
And, thank God for rape crisis centers and other counseling venues who understand this need for protection from vulnerability. Keeping names confidential, positioning entrances in the backs of buildings so you don't feel like you're marching in a parade walking to the entrance. Some people DO "get it" - thank God for that!
And someday, YOU will be just the person who "gets it" for somebody else. You will be someone's "safe haven". YOU are a very important person!
"Who (God) comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
(II Corinthians 1:4)
