O.K. - I'm gonna' put virginity/purity issues and rape in two different worlds. I don't think of rape as "having sex" - I think of rape as a violent attack of a sexual nature. This was not an action you performed WITH somebody - this was an action that was forced upon you. The fact that you were raped in no way makes you impure or unholy. It just makes you really hurt.
Or maybe you're in a different category. Maybe you've been sexually abused by a family member since childhood. And maybe you remember some physical enjoyment. Listen and listen good - if the person was an authority figure over you, the situation was abusive, even if you experienced some pleasure. You were grievously wronged. The older or more powerful person is guilty of a major crime - YOU ARE THE INNOCENT PARTY.
You see, if you're under 18 and your abuser is several years older than you or has the authority to control you, the abuser is taking advantage of your weakness in comparison with him/her. There's no way you can make an independent decision to become involved with someone sexually until you can understand the responsibilities of the adult world as an "over 18" person and the consequences of your decision. Until you are capable of knowing "what you're getting into", a person who has power behind them to lead you down this road is abusing you. (It's different if you're sexually involved with someone in your age group and you both agreed - that's not abuse.)
Maybe an adult or older sibling bullied you into watching pornography as a kid - this is called sexualizing a child and it constitutes abuse. God does not hold you responsible!
I'm so concerned about this aspect because some of you won't make friends anymore with other kids who appear to be virgins. You think you're suddenly different from them 'cause you're "not a virgin" anymore. It's true that you do have a knowledge that other people don't have, and that can't be changed. But that knowledge does not spoil your purity or make you sinful.
"But," you say, "you don't know the thoughts I have because of my past. They're dirty and I'm ashamed of what I think about." Alright, let's talk about it. This is a mental burden - yet another aspect of an abuser's damage to you.
Many people struggle with unwelcome thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks - for many different reasons. I've heard of war veterans, emergency workers, or natural disaster victims suffering from horrifying memories or panicky imaginations. Never an easy problem to conquer. You are in need of being "de-programmed" somewhat, in a sense - sexually speaking. You need to move from "over-sexualization" to a sexual level that's more appropriate for your age and circumstances. Work with your psychologists and counselors!
REPLACE that rubble with uplifting movies and TV shows and books and a fascinating new hobby. Go to sleep with Christian music playing. WORK it out - on the basketball court. And the very best re-programming tool is the Bible. I won't pretend it will solve all your problems, but try reading a chapter every day and memorizing verses. CRAM it in - you may be surprised what happens.
Let's say you WERE being sexually promiscuous at the time of your rape. What if you already were not a virgin at age 14? I repeat - you STILL didn't deserve to be raped, because rape is a violent crime. It could never be appropriately used as discipline to correct someone's bad behavior.
However, it's true that being sexually promiscuous is dangerous - for many reasons. That's why it's called "risky behavior" - you expose yourself to the chances of being victimized in alot of ways. The rape you experienced may have come because there was no protection for you in your "at-risk" sexual situation. THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT YOUR FAULT, but it is a sign that you need to start living safer.
And let's talk about where this puts you with God - let's just GO THERE. You probably already know God considers sexual immorality to be sin. ("Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, . . . " Galatians 5:19). But you know what? Even if you had never once had premarital sex, you still couldn't have been good enough for God to accept you. One little white lie in your whole lifetime is enough to condemn you forever - because God is perfectly holy.
But here's the good news - Jesus is so powerfully pure and righteous that His death on the cross IS enough to cover all the sexual sins and little white lies of all people throughout history and into the future. Just accept His sacrifice as what you need and then walk in the refreshing relief of being forgiven. Then let God help you re-make your life into a safer and wiser one.
