"I'm so confused."

Confusion reigns supreme in the teen years - even if you have no particularly traumatizing events to endure.

Who's REALLY on your side? One morning, you're sure it's your mom and the next morning you wake up assured that your mom is the last person on earth who could ever be on your side - I mean, she's two different people!

And what's the truth? One person explains it this way and, by the time you walk to your next class, somebody else has talked you into seeing it the totally opposite way.

Now throw in a mentally (as well as physically) overwhelming crisis such as rape, and you've got one more pretty mixed-up teen-ager!

Who can you trust? Or is there ANYBODY you can trust?

You're probably pretty frustrated by now if you've read all the posts before this part. You're thinking, "This nut has given me no answers. Another silly person who thinks they've got something to say that they think will help me! Oh, brother!"

You know why you feel that way? Because all these things we - your helpers - throw at you require one crucial element YOU have to contribute: FAITH. No, we can't promise you that everything's gonna' magically be fixed. We CAN promise you a better day - but YOU have to believe that!

What's the recipe for faith? You have to start with a situation that you see no evidence for or facts that will lead to improvement. YOU MUST HAVE A HUMAN IMPOSSIBILITY TO PRACTICE FAITH. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things NOT

SEEN." (Hebrews 11:1) You've definitely met the first requirement for faith!

The second ingredient in faith's recipe is God. You can be confused about God and still practice faith in God - Jesus talked about "faith as a grain of mustard seed" (Luke 17:6) - that's pretty small! Just keep reading your Bible and God will become clearer to you - "And ye shall seek Me (God) and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) No human can outline exactly how God will help you - because God is infinitely wiser than any of us, and He has no limitations.

The third element for faith is your focus - what are you going to look at? Are you gonna' endlessly re-hash all your problems, or are you gonna' keep your eyes firmly on God? Psalm 27:13 says you have to BELIEVE first before you can SEE the goodness of the LORD - and if you don't, you'll faint!

But you say, "What do you mean, 'Keep my eyes on God' - how am I supposed to do that?"

I'm glad you asked, 'cause it's all in the Bible - the Bible reveals God to us - "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God." (Romans 10:17). And the Bible will fill your mind with truth, and the truth will conquer your confusion!

Dear survivor - you've made it through so much heartbreak and loss, here is my prayer for the next stages of your brave journey: "For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, . . . That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man; THAT CHRIST MAY DWELL IN YOUR HEARTS BY FAITH; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." (Ephesians 3:14, 16-21)

"Why couldn't I stop this?"

You've turned it around over and over in your head: "What could I have done differently? How could I have changed it?"

Your friends and your parents may even have put in their "two cents" about what you "should" have done or not have done. You have beat yourself a thousand times with "if only's".

You may feel guilty 'cause you didn't "fight back". I've heard it said many times - YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE. You've got to tell yourself that as many times as it takes until it finally sinks in.

Many criminals gain their power to succeed in their schemes by brute force. This means that if the perpetrator is bigger or stronger than you are, or has a weapon, he can carry out the plan. It can be hard for even trained and armed police officers to catch or stop an attacker.

You've learned, though, that criminals want an easy target - their best chance to get by with the crime. You may have realized by now how your circumstances made you an easy target. And there are many ways to keep yourself from being in a weak position again.

However, you still can't ignore that feeling of powerlessness and complete helplessness. You know that reality, as few others ever will. In your mind, your attacker seems to get bigger every day.

Remember when we said a rapist's goal is to conquer and subdue? Well, a big part of the attack is in the mental realm. Your perpetrator attempted to control you mentally as well as physically. The good news is - you can do something about your own mind. This is one thing your psychologists and counselors are helping you work on: your thought patterns, to break the attacker's mental hold on you. This is a big reason you don't want to quit on your appointments! Your counselors have worked with other survivors beside you, and they know the signs that you're ready to be released from counseling. COOPERATE WITH THESE PEOPLE!

Your mind is a spiritual battlefield. The devil's biggest victories begin in your head. Ephesians 6:11-18 talks about filling your head with truth from the Bible (not the lies of Satan), walking in righteousness and peace and faith and salvation and "praying always." Philippians 4:8 talks about thinking on what is honest, just, pure, lovely, good, virtuous, and praise-worthy. II Corinthians 10:5 says you can cast down "imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." John 8:44 calls Satan a liar and the father of lies and says that there is no truth in him.

So, figure out how to stop listening to the lies the devil whispers to you. Do not cooperate with the devil's plans to bring you down!

"I don't want to know what I know."

Showing up for your first day of college orientation is an exciting, if somewhat scary, experience.

What makes it exciting? Well, for one thing, something inside tells you that, when you make it through four years there, you will graduate a different person - because of all you'll learn and the experiences you'll have. All the new ideas and knowledge will push you to grow.

The knowledge you get at college is, generally speaking, a positive thing, as it prepares you for a productive career.

Unfortunately, negative experiences force us to a depth of knowledge, also - knowledge we never wanted to bear. There's a nagging awareness in us - that knowledge brings responsibility, and we don't want that.

Did you know that doctors and nurses are obligated to stop and help accident victims or others experiencing physical trauma? It's because their specialized knowledge prepares them to help as noone else can. I'm sure there have been times that a doctor, while taking his wife out for a relaxing meal, has been interrupted to rescue a choking victim when he didn't really feel like being "on duty." His knowledge brings added responsibility.

Someday, you'll be stronger than you are today. You aren't ready for this yet, but in the future you will be helping someone else because of what you've gone through. Don't pressure yourself, but begin to think, "Where can I go with this - eventually? How can I turn these burdens into a benefit? How have other people handled this?"

Brainstorm ideas for how, if you could change anything, you would make the world better for rape/sexual abuse victims. What might have prevented your disaster? What would have made things easier for you after it happened? Probably you will finally land on some specific, do-able ideas that someone who had never made this journey couldn't discover. And there will come a time when your thoughts can actually make a difference. Make plans to clear the way for that day to come. Prepare for your turn, AFTER you get better, to help.

Jesus didn't want the responsibility and horror of the cross - He said, "Father (God), if Thou be willing, remove this cup" (dying on the cross) "from Me: . . . " (Luke 22:42) But how thankful we are that He allowed Himself the suffering! His torture and agony gave HOPE - to a WHOLE WORLD through out all the ages.

Let your life and your recovery bring hope - Jesus will help you.

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." (Romans 15:13)

"What about my privacy?"

Let's say you're five years old and you've painstakingly and proudly built an elaborate castle with your blocks. Then, a 5'9" bully with a smirk on his face comes along and smashes your castle to the ground, and starts taking your blocks away.

What do you do?

Well, in addition to throwing a fit, you frantically scramble to protect as many blocks as you can - in hopes of possibly re-building your castle in peace.

That's kinda' where you're at with your privacy. Your "castle" was smashed by a bully and you're desperately snatching chances to re-gain what is personally yours. How can you do that?

First of all, every survivor will be different in what they need to re-build their privacy. Your needs in this area will be different from another victim's needs that you know. Noone else will know what you need or when you need it. So we're back to communication. You must figure out, "What is bothering me about this situation? What would make me feel better?" and then ask for it nicely.

You may have to ask your gym teacher, "Is there a place I can dress out in private?" Or, in the planning stages of a trip, you could say, "I'll pay extra if I can have my own room." Or, you may need to tell a friend, "I just don't feel like talking about that right now. Can we talk about something else?" At a slumber party, you can say, "I'll wait to change in the bathroom." Or if a friend wants to follow you into the mall dressing room, you can say, "Look, I have this thing about being in a dressing room by myself. I'll come out and show you the outfit when I get it on."

It's no surprise that you're sensitive in this area. And this is repititious, I know, but you are under no obligation to explain the reasons why you need extra privacy. If someone tries to force you to "confess", you just say, "Well, that's private. I'm just asking for some extra help, that's all." And do your best not to sound angry or defensive or sarcastic. The person may say no to your request, and you may have to end up asking someone else. That's o.k. - keep trying - respectfully and kindly, though persistently.

Keep remembering - Jesus has a heart for re-building what has been torn down. His heart is for you. Jesus was talking about Himself when He said, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He (God) hath anointed Me (Jesus) to preach the gospel to the poor; He hath sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, . . . " (Luke 4:18).

" 'You have to forgive.' "

Pressure, pressure, pressure.

You might respond to this speaker - not in a mean way, but with an impish, teasing twinkle in your eye - have THEY forgiven everyone in life THEY need to forgive? I doubt it - yet you're somehow required to get every little detail of your travesty "just so."

I'm not a psychologist or counselor, but my guess is an EFFECTIVE counselor will not belabor this point. I'm also assuming every rape victim knows they've been raped. Now you're saying, "Huh? What does that have to do with forgiveness?"

O.k. - here it is - let's say you're "making out" with somebody, and things go even further. I believe you know when it "turns the corner" into rape because I believe EVERY RAPE VICTIM FEARS FOR THEIR LIFE. Rape is beyond "rough sex" - it enters the realm of being violent and even murderous. And every survivor knows this: rape is not a minor "breaking the rules" - rape is dangerous and many times deadly.

Therefore, a good counselor will understand - at first, probably the most pressing issue is NOT forgiveness, but to be sure you're in safe circumstances right now. Then, you've also got to FEEL safe, or at least, feel a tiny bit safer. You can't even think straight 'til that issue is addressed. Then it's got to be drummed into your head that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT and you get into self-image issues (and that can take awhile). And you've got to talk about how to deal with your relationships now and how to cope with the day-to-day requirements of your world. Then there's possible post-traumatic stress disorder and depression issues to be resolved.

You don't put an accident victim into physical therapy when he's still in the emergency room: to me, a rape survivor spends quite awhile in the "emergency room." Forgiveness seems to be more of a "long term" issue (the "physical therapy" stage, if you will) - something you get to AFTER you're out of the emergency room, at the END of your recovery.

And you must understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting, having a "warm, fuzzy feeling" toward the attacker, acting like it doesn't matter, or resuming the relationship. You can forgive even when you're in a lawsuit to hold the perpetrator accountable.

Maybe forgiveness has to do more with your motives - WHY do you want to put your attacker in jail? Work toward an attitude of protecting others, making a safer school or city, a "wake-up call" for a dangerous person who's out of control. Try to move away from - wanting the person to agonize and suffer. Those feelings will hurt YOU more than anybody else.

And keep working on your own recovery. I know this - the stronger and safer you feel, the easier it is to meet the requirement of forgiveness.

God will help you where you're weak! "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) Never forget: He's walking through this with you and He is the Great Forgiver. He's got extra forgiveness in His "basket" to fill up your empty forgiveness basket.

All you have to do is ask.

" 'You're bitter.' "

Here we go. More criticism.

I believe that when people say this, they aren't really saying what they mean. I think what they really mean is, "Wow. I've never watched or listened to anger this deep and intense and it scares me." I believe that when someone loves you and sees you so distraught, it upsets them and they just want everything to be fine again . . . NOW! They honestly care about you and they want to see you happy, not devastated. And, since they don't know what else to do or say, they think they can snap you back to being o.k. by throwing out something that it seems like you can actually DO something about.

But here's the facts - YOU WILL BE ANGRY, REAL ANGRY.

If you're not right now, you'll get there, sooner or later. In a way, anger is necessary and good. You see, if you don't get angry, you're probably denying to yourself what really happened - and denial can end up being a bad thing. Also, anger is active and energizing and you'll be more likely to be driven to make some positive improvements in your situation if you're angry about it. Another thing - if you don't get angry, you're likelier to fall into patterns of non-resistance to future victimizations.

In fact, in the generally known and accepted stages of grief, anger is one of the "steps": 1) Denial: "It didn't happen," or, "It doesn't really matter." 2) Anger: "I will get them back if it's the LAST thing I do." 3) Bargaining: "If I do thus and so, everything's gonna' be like it was before." 4) Depression: "Nothing's working, so I'll just give up." 5) Acceptance: "I don't want this, but I'm gonna' be o.k. - eventually."

These are stages you'll feel yourself go through. Sometimes, you get stuck in one stage a long time. But, you'll know - you're better off than you were last year at this time.

God even gives you permission to be angry: "BE YE ANGRY" (Ephesians 4:26) - but He issues a warning: "and sin not." It's all in what you do with your anger. That's the key. USE your anger for good!

One time I was so angry I knew I was fixing to "be bad" because of it, so I painted my shed in the back yard. I was STILL angry, so I painted the outside of my house. For several years afterward, I would look at my house and my shed and know - something positive came out of my negative experience.

Get together with a group of kids who've told you they were raped, read a rape recovery book together and discuss it. Offer to drive a fellow victim to the rape crisis center for counseling. Schedule a meeting with your principal and request added security in the school hallways and rest rooms. Go out for the football team.

Trust me - you can get SO MUCH done when you're angry!

" 'Just get over it.' "

"What's wrong with her? I know she got raped, but couldn't she get over it by now? I mean, it's been a whole year."

Well, we both know that if you could "just get over it", you certainly would have by now. It's not like this stuff is fun and enjoyable.

I had a big dog once - in a tiny, muddy back yard. When I rescued the dog from a downpour once by gathering him into my postage-stamp size kitchen, he shook all over . . . and then he shook AGAIN. It took a long time to first get the dog clean and dry, and then restore my kitchen! The tasks just went on and on - and in the months to come I continued to discover amazing places shaken mud could land.

I'm not comparing you to my dog - but I am comparing your "clean-up job" with my kitchen rescue. You never asked for this huge job you've now got to do - and you were totally unprepared for it. In some ways, it's like asking a non-runner to show up for the Boston marathon! But many people just don't understand that.

Even the apostle Paul in the New Testament had something he couldn't get over - he called it his "thorn in the flesh" - a "messenger of Satan." (II Corinthians 12:7) Remember what a bold, mighty soulwinner Paul was?

But this thing - whatever it was - hindered his way. Do you feel like you're dragging around a "messenger of Satan"? Paul even asked God three times to take it away. God didn't take it away, but He gave Paul a message that ministered to him deeply and has sustained countless faltering saints since: "And He (God) said unto me (Paul), 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'" (II Corinthians 12:9)

Ignore those who say, "Just get over it." Don't take those words to heart. Instead, respond with, "I am - a little more every day," and tell yourself over and over: "I AM making progress. I am doing what I can to overcome this. Things will get better."

And know - you are a walking testimony to God's grace. He is showing Himself sufficient to you in very unexpected and unfamiliar ways. The weakness you have experienced is being swallowed up into God's strength - a little bit more every day.

Imagine sharing a burden similar in size with someone as great and victorious as the Apostle Paul!

" 'You're just using this as an excuse.' "

You've figured out by now that others just can't comprehend all the issues you have to sort through. They don't understand how deeply this has affected you.

And you've probably caught on, too, that, in general, people just don't want to feel uncomfortable. So, if your struggles or unintentional reactions are spilling over into their well-ordered worlds, they're forced to try to "file you away" somehow.

And a common way to accomplish that is to find a way to shine the spotlight of criticism on you and shut you down from bothering them. However painful this is for you, I'm gonna' propose that their intention is not to purposely hurt you - it is to find a way to go on living their own lives, without "obstacles."

Remember when we talked about being able to "pull back" yourself and "re-group"? We talked about communicating clearly that you need some "alone time" and "space to breathe". It could be, that when someone who cares about you descends into criticism of you, they don't really mean to criticize you. They may really mean, "I need a break. It's very painful for me to watch your pain 'cause I love you. I just need to rest a little while." They just haven't figured out themselves that's what's really going on. They may not know how to say it.

Maybe if someone who loves you makes a snide remark to you, you could say, "Are you really trying to say you need a break? Do you just want me to chill out at home for now and you can call me tomorrow?" Then that gives them the opportunity to either apologize or to agree with you, thereby communicating in a clearer way. And that will make a stronger relationship, which is good for both of you.

I know this is really hard for you, 'cause your feelings are so raw, but you have to give other people the freedom to have a bad day. It's gonna' happen, and you will cause yourself less trauma if you will let them have some breathing room. Force yourself to think, "It's not about me - they've got their own issues to work through right now."

And don't be afraid - turn off your panic button! Just go back to your own relaxation tricks. Tell yourself, "It's o.k. I am a special person. God made me a blessing to other people," and then go do something YOU like to do.

And know - that always, God is the PERFECT friend. He never gets weak or tired of you. He never wants a break from you - He wants to be with you ALL THE TIME. God doesn't criticize you - "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) God loves you deeply and perfectly - "The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy: He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

God delights in everything about you - He intentionally MADE you the way you are! "My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth." (Psalm 139:15)

Walk tall, 'cause GOD IS WITH YOU!

"Nobody cares."

Life is brutal. Teenager-hood is worse.

Even if you were a teenager with a "normal" life, there is so much nasty competition and mean gossip and hurtful manipulation. It is nothing short of alarming to watch how cold and detached and un-feeling people can be. It seems to make no difference even when the people are Christians sometimes. God's children at times have alot of "stuff" beside Jesus shining through!

And when all this extra hurt gets piled on top of your still-aching scars, the freshness of your pain can feel like you've stopped breathing. You helplessly groan as those old wounds just re-open, and everything floods back. A fight with a boyfriend/girlfriend can be painful to someone else, but it can mean complete agony for you, 'cause you're still drowning in feelings and insecurities from "the big issue."

You just want to scream, "How can nobody care about everything I've gone through? How can they make me so invisible? How can I 'not matter' this much?"

I'm so sorry - I wish I could take this away from you.

Remember Joseph in the Old Testament and his "coat of many colors"? Now that was a guy who knew what it meant for nobody to care - well, except his dad, but that never seemed to make any difference. His brothers hated him so much they threw him in a pit and nobody cared. Then they sold him for a slave and nobody cared. Then Potiphar's wife got him thrown into prison and nobody cared. He even ministered to fellow-prisoners and nobody cared. He finally got out of prison, but it wasn't 'cause anybody cared - it was 'cause Pharoah was upset about a dream and Joseph became useful.

But there's a quiet tidbit as you read through the story of Joseph. The Bible says - even through all the time as a slave and years in prison - "But the LORD was WITH JOSEPH. . . " (Genesis 39:2, 21) Now isn't that a crazy thing to say? Here he's endured some of the worst rejection and mistreatment a person can experience. How can you say, "the LORD was with him"?

I don't know all the answers, but I DO know- through all the dark days, God's hand never left Joseph. And God's love for and fierce commitment to Joseph never once wavered. And you know the end of the story - Joseph gets "the world" handed to him on a silver platter by Pharoah and he gets his family restored to him in repentance and loyalty.

A very wise lady once helped me get a vital principle nailed down. It's true that in your circumstances, many people will help you and you should call upon their help - don't stop reaching out for their help. However, you and I both know that every person on earth can let you down, sooner or later. So what do you do? Close down the shop and quit? NO - 'cause you always keep in mind Who the REAL Source is. If people help you, it's only 'cause they're letting God work through them. HE really was your real Helper all along. Don't expect PEOPLE to solve your problems - keep your focus on GOD and His help.

"My soul, wait thou ONLY upon God, for my expectation is FROM HIM." (Psalm 62:5)

So if people aren't coming through for you right now, it's o.k. It really was God helping you all along, anyway, and He will emerge from the shadows once again.

"I'll never be the same again."

Of course you're right.

But you know what? I'M not the same person I was yesterday, either. With every day that passes, we add new people, new experiences, new lessons, to our worlds. And none of us can go back and re-live what is past. So, I don't think the fact that you've changed is the real problem - 'cause you were constantly changing anyway before this happened.

I think what's bothering you is being overwhelmed with - where do I go from here? How do I deal with these changes in me? What does it mean for me now to keep living my life?

People talk about a "new normal." And that's your goal now. You can't go back to the way life used to be - none of us can do that. But all through these posts, we've been addressing how to carve out a "new normal" for yourself. We've touched on what to do with your new fears, how to assimilate this tragedy and rebuild a positive self-image. We've talked about how to deal with people now - responding to their comments, resisting their smothering, and reaching out for their company. We've talked about writing out some goals for yourself - make them short-term as well as long-term and focus on achieving them. And we've brought up God and how vital it is to keep forcing yourself to seek Him even though you feel betrayed by Him right now. These are all ways to establish a "new normal" for yourself.

But please don't think my suggestions are complete - they'll only get you started. You are smart enough to know how to "take it from here." And, if you get stuck somewhere, you will know when it's time to reach out for a psychologist's or counselor's help. Do not hesitate or delay in doing that.

One of my favorite Bible verses - because of its symbolism - is Isaiah 61:3 - "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He might be glorified."

God will move you forward to a new day - even if it seems like only one millimeter at a time. Get yourself a plain desk calendar with room to write on every day. Write one thing God does for you every day - even if it's as simple as making it a sunny day. Or, write down that nice thing your brother/sister said to you. Or just write down one good thing or one thing that makes you happy. If you do this long enough, God's goodness will begin to dawn on you. And it will be easier to face your future.

"I feel naked."

You know that dream where you're standing in the gym in front of a school-wide assembly - and you look down and you're completely naked?

I think the psychological term for this is "vulnerability." And rape/sexual abuse ravages your vulnerability as few other possible life-situations ever could. You probably feel naked all the time. You think you can walk into a room and, you don't know how, but everybody can look at you and they "just know." And if they know, you somehow think YOU'RE the one who's supposed to feel ashamed (instead of your perpetrator). It's like you think YOU did something wrong (which you didn't - we've covered this one before, remember?)

I guess another side to vulnerability is feeling helpless. You've experienced the frightening and sobering reality that you were powerless to prevent or stop the attack. It's like an un-armed soldier jumped by the enemy - he's vulnerable 'cause he's defenseless. You know all about dangerous situations. What's more - at the very least, you feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable and awkward.

Hopefully you're surrounded by people who understand your need to pull back and "re-group" - recover your defenses, as the saying goes. But that's not always the case. It's very easy for people to misunderstand your need to think, "de-compress", and better equip yourself - to just RECOVER.

For this reason, it's up to you to communicate better than you ever have before - "I just need some alone time. I'll go with you next time." "Look, can we postpone this 'til next week? I can't 'breathe' right now - I've got to get some 'air'." "Nothing's wrong - this has nothing to do with you - I'm just taking a mental health break over some personal issues." You think up your own responses and write them on index cards. You are under no obligation to "spill" your situation - just respectfully request a break.

If the person gets too aggressive and rude asking too many questions, just tell them, "I have to ask you to stop asking questions, 'cause I won't be answering them. Please respect my privacy. I'll call you later." - and walk away. Don't automatically write the person off, 'cause it could be genuine concern prompting the nosiness. However, you may have to adjust to the fact that, with certain personalities, you just have to be more assertive in protecting your personal spaces.

And, thank God for rape crisis centers and other counseling venues who understand this need for protection from vulnerability. Keeping names confidential, positioning entrances in the backs of buildings so you don't feel like you're marching in a parade walking to the entrance. Some people DO "get it" - thank God for that!

And someday, YOU will be just the person who "gets it" for somebody else. You will be someone's "safe haven". YOU are a very important person!

"Who (God) comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."

(II Corinthians 1:4)

"This is too hard."

It gets exhausting, doesn't it? You try and try and you still can't shake the nightmares or panicky fears (of EVERYTHING) or the hatred. You keep asking, "Why? Why? Why?" and you hear absolutely nothing.

Will you ever be like everybody else again? Will you ever stop hurting - in your entire lifetime? You're STILL not sleeping, and you have headaches all the time because of that. Every day your stomach stays in knots. Isn't there any way you could fall asleep and wake up with everything o.k. again? You look around and all you see just looks gray - and it's very hard to take a deep breath 'cause there's this heavy cloud bearing down on you. You feel nothing - just the numbness of mechanically and BARELY meeting the requirements your world demands.

I wish I could take this away from you. You've got to figure out what will keep you "in the game." You've got to learn ways that are within your power - and that are SMART - to give yourself a break and show love to yourself. Can you take a bubble bath - or a long, hot shower?

How about a jog around the block? Or curl up with some hot cocoa and a suspenseful murder

mystery. Call a friend to go see a movie.

Learn to recognize signs of tension in your body - jaw clenched, teeth gritted together, shoulders hunched up, neck painful and tight, stomach knotted up, fists clenched, breath shallow and fast. Force yourself to take slow, deep breaths. Roll your head around so your neck loosens up. Stretch as tall as you can to the ceiling. Massage your jaw. Tighten then relax your hands.

Do something to distract yourself from the sadness - learn to play a musical instrument. Write a book. Run for political office and make victims' rights your pet issue.

What makes you smile? Do it.

God is loving you through this - even if you see no evidence of it yet.

"For I AM PERSUADED, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth," (nor rape) "nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) Memorize these verses!

And don't wear your problems as a badge, using them for an excuse. Remember this - problems are made to be SOLVED, not ignored but not bowed down to and worshipped either. Get up and take some type of action to solve your problems instead of just sitting around endlessly talking about them.

You WILL make it through!

"I'm trash."

Is this because you think you "lost your virginity" and therefore your purity is gone?

O.K. - I'm gonna' put virginity/purity issues and rape in two different worlds. I don't think of rape as "having sex" - I think of rape as a violent attack of a sexual nature. This was not an action you performed WITH somebody - this was an action that was forced upon you. The fact that you were raped in no way makes you impure or unholy. It just makes you really hurt.

Or maybe you're in a different category. Maybe you've been sexually abused by a family member since childhood. And maybe you remember some physical enjoyment. Listen and listen good - if the person was an authority figure over you, the situation was abusive, even if you experienced some pleasure. You were grievously wronged. The older or more powerful person is guilty of a major crime - YOU ARE THE INNOCENT PARTY.

You see, if you're under 18 and your abuser is several years older than you or has the authority to control you, the abuser is taking advantage of your weakness in comparison with him/her. There's no way you can make an independent decision to become involved with someone sexually until you can understand the responsibilities of the adult world as an "over 18" person and the consequences of your decision. Until you are capable of knowing "what you're getting into", a person who has power behind them to lead you down this road is abusing you. (It's different if you're sexually involved with someone in your age group and you both agreed - that's not abuse.)

Maybe an adult or older sibling bullied you into watching pornography as a kid - this is called sexualizing a child and it constitutes abuse. God does not hold you responsible!

I'm so concerned about this aspect because some of you won't make friends anymore with other kids who appear to be virgins. You think you're suddenly different from them 'cause you're "not a virgin" anymore. It's true that you do have a knowledge that other people don't have, and that can't be changed. But that knowledge does not spoil your purity or make you sinful.

"But," you say, "you don't know the thoughts I have because of my past. They're dirty and I'm ashamed of what I think about." Alright, let's talk about it. This is a mental burden - yet another aspect of an abuser's damage to you.

Many people struggle with unwelcome thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks - for many different reasons. I've heard of war veterans, emergency workers, or natural disaster victims suffering from horrifying memories or panicky imaginations. Never an easy problem to conquer. You are in need of being "de-programmed" somewhat, in a sense - sexually speaking. You need to move from "over-sexualization" to a sexual level that's more appropriate for your age and circumstances. Work with your psychologists and counselors!

REPLACE that rubble with uplifting movies and TV shows and books and a fascinating new hobby. Go to sleep with Christian music playing. WORK it out - on the basketball court. And the very best re-programming tool is the Bible. I won't pretend it will solve all your problems, but try reading a chapter every day and memorizing verses. CRAM it in - you may be surprised what happens.

Let's say you WERE being sexually promiscuous at the time of your rape. What if you already were not a virgin at age 14? I repeat - you STILL didn't deserve to be raped, because rape is a violent crime. It could never be appropriately used as discipline to correct someone's bad behavior.

However, it's true that being sexually promiscuous is dangerous - for many reasons. That's why it's called "risky behavior" - you expose yourself to the chances of being victimized in alot of ways. The rape you experienced may have come because there was no protection for you in your "at-risk" sexual situation. THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT YOUR FAULT, but it is a sign that you need to start living safer.

And let's talk about where this puts you with God - let's just GO THERE. You probably already know God considers sexual immorality to be sin. ("Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, . . . " Galatians 5:19). But you know what? Even if you had never once had premarital sex, you still couldn't have been good enough for God to accept you. One little white lie in your whole lifetime is enough to condemn you forever - because God is perfectly holy.

But here's the good news - Jesus is so powerfully pure and righteous that His death on the cross IS enough to cover all the sexual sins and little white lies of all people throughout history and into the future. Just accept His sacrifice as what you need and then walk in the refreshing relief of being forgiven. Then let God help you re-make your life into a safer and wiser one.

"'Dress causes rape.'"

You've heard it - "I can't believe what she's wearing. She's just asking to be raped."

Aren't you just stunned when you hear that? To me, it indicates the speaker has just never really thought through the subject of rape.

Let's just stop now to analyze these issues:

1. First, raping someone and "making a pass" at someone are not even in the same universe. Rape is a felony, a serious crime - not a normal reaction. Guys and girls trying to attract each others' attention and responding to those attempts to grab attention IS normal, and it's not even close to a crime. I would guess the girl who's "dressed that way" has a new outfit and she feels like she looks good in it and would like some attention, but rape hasn't even entered her mind.

2. IF dress causes rape, why do 80-year-old women get raped? What about a 35-year-old prison inmate dressed in an institutional uniform? Or an 8-year-old boy?

3. You've heard this - rape is a crime of power, not a crime of sex. Rape is all about what the attacker wants, not what the victim wants. The attacker wants to conquer and subdue, by choosing the most available victim and the best chance to get by with the crime. Historically, rape has even been used as an act of war - as a way to defeat populations of people. Dress would have very little to do with that type of agenda.

4. To connect dress with rape is to imply the victim deserved to be raped because she shouldn't have dressed "sexy." I'll discuss dress more in a minute, BUT rape is in no fathomable way an equal and just punishment for wearing an outfit your parents wouldn't allow. Sneaking into sexy clothes is not against the law because it doesn't have the potential to destroy another person's life as rape does.

Now I DO have to clarify. Your clothing IS very important - another entire book could be written about it. II Corinthians 5:20 calls Christians "ambassadors for Christ" - His representatives to this world. In the eyes of non-Christians, God's reputation is at stake in how you look and how you act and how you talk. Remember to - "Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation (conduct), in charity (love), in spirit, in faith, in purity." (II Timothy 4:12) So you want to dress to glorify Christ. Don't despair, though - there ARE ways to attract the attention of the opposite sex without throwing yourself out of the realm of holiness.

And the next time you hear someone say "she dresses to be raped," here is what you will do. You WILL NOT slap them silly. Instead, you will imagine yourself putting on your kindly, professor-looking, "wise old owl" spectacles, crossing your hands on the table intelligently in front of you, quietly clearing your throat, and CALMLY saying, "Yes, well, have you ever considered this point?" And you will proceed to conduct a mature, civilized debate on the points we have discussed in this post. You will become the brilliant, though GENTLE, great "enlightener."