"I'm so confused."

Confusion reigns supreme in the teen years - even if you have no particularly traumatizing events to endure.

Who's REALLY on your side? One morning, you're sure it's your mom and the next morning you wake up assured that your mom is the last person on earth who could ever be on your side - I mean, she's two different people!

And what's the truth? One person explains it this way and, by the time you walk to your next class, somebody else has talked you into seeing it the totally opposite way.

Now throw in a mentally (as well as physically) overwhelming crisis such as rape, and you've got one more pretty mixed-up teen-ager!

Who can you trust? Or is there ANYBODY you can trust?

You're probably pretty frustrated by now if you've read all the posts before this part. You're thinking, "This nut has given me no answers. Another silly person who thinks they've got something to say that they think will help me! Oh, brother!"

You know why you feel that way? Because all these things we - your helpers - throw at you require one crucial element YOU have to contribute: FAITH. No, we can't promise you that everything's gonna' magically be fixed. We CAN promise you a better day - but YOU have to believe that!

What's the recipe for faith? You have to start with a situation that you see no evidence for or facts that will lead to improvement. YOU MUST HAVE A HUMAN IMPOSSIBILITY TO PRACTICE FAITH. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things NOT

SEEN." (Hebrews 11:1) You've definitely met the first requirement for faith!

The second ingredient in faith's recipe is God. You can be confused about God and still practice faith in God - Jesus talked about "faith as a grain of mustard seed" (Luke 17:6) - that's pretty small! Just keep reading your Bible and God will become clearer to you - "And ye shall seek Me (God) and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) No human can outline exactly how God will help you - because God is infinitely wiser than any of us, and He has no limitations.

The third element for faith is your focus - what are you going to look at? Are you gonna' endlessly re-hash all your problems, or are you gonna' keep your eyes firmly on God? Psalm 27:13 says you have to BELIEVE first before you can SEE the goodness of the LORD - and if you don't, you'll faint!

But you say, "What do you mean, 'Keep my eyes on God' - how am I supposed to do that?"

I'm glad you asked, 'cause it's all in the Bible - the Bible reveals God to us - "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God." (Romans 10:17). And the Bible will fill your mind with truth, and the truth will conquer your confusion!

Dear survivor - you've made it through so much heartbreak and loss, here is my prayer for the next stages of your brave journey: "For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, . . . That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man; THAT CHRIST MAY DWELL IN YOUR HEARTS BY FAITH; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." (Ephesians 3:14, 16-21)

"Why couldn't I stop this?"

You've turned it around over and over in your head: "What could I have done differently? How could I have changed it?"

Your friends and your parents may even have put in their "two cents" about what you "should" have done or not have done. You have beat yourself a thousand times with "if only's".

You may feel guilty 'cause you didn't "fight back". I've heard it said many times - YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE. You've got to tell yourself that as many times as it takes until it finally sinks in.

Many criminals gain their power to succeed in their schemes by brute force. This means that if the perpetrator is bigger or stronger than you are, or has a weapon, he can carry out the plan. It can be hard for even trained and armed police officers to catch or stop an attacker.

You've learned, though, that criminals want an easy target - their best chance to get by with the crime. You may have realized by now how your circumstances made you an easy target. And there are many ways to keep yourself from being in a weak position again.

However, you still can't ignore that feeling of powerlessness and complete helplessness. You know that reality, as few others ever will. In your mind, your attacker seems to get bigger every day.

Remember when we said a rapist's goal is to conquer and subdue? Well, a big part of the attack is in the mental realm. Your perpetrator attempted to control you mentally as well as physically. The good news is - you can do something about your own mind. This is one thing your psychologists and counselors are helping you work on: your thought patterns, to break the attacker's mental hold on you. This is a big reason you don't want to quit on your appointments! Your counselors have worked with other survivors beside you, and they know the signs that you're ready to be released from counseling. COOPERATE WITH THESE PEOPLE!

Your mind is a spiritual battlefield. The devil's biggest victories begin in your head. Ephesians 6:11-18 talks about filling your head with truth from the Bible (not the lies of Satan), walking in righteousness and peace and faith and salvation and "praying always." Philippians 4:8 talks about thinking on what is honest, just, pure, lovely, good, virtuous, and praise-worthy. II Corinthians 10:5 says you can cast down "imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." John 8:44 calls Satan a liar and the father of lies and says that there is no truth in him.

So, figure out how to stop listening to the lies the devil whispers to you. Do not cooperate with the devil's plans to bring you down!

"I don't want to know what I know."

Showing up for your first day of college orientation is an exciting, if somewhat scary, experience.

What makes it exciting? Well, for one thing, something inside tells you that, when you make it through four years there, you will graduate a different person - because of all you'll learn and the experiences you'll have. All the new ideas and knowledge will push you to grow.

The knowledge you get at college is, generally speaking, a positive thing, as it prepares you for a productive career.

Unfortunately, negative experiences force us to a depth of knowledge, also - knowledge we never wanted to bear. There's a nagging awareness in us - that knowledge brings responsibility, and we don't want that.

Did you know that doctors and nurses are obligated to stop and help accident victims or others experiencing physical trauma? It's because their specialized knowledge prepares them to help as noone else can. I'm sure there have been times that a doctor, while taking his wife out for a relaxing meal, has been interrupted to rescue a choking victim when he didn't really feel like being "on duty." His knowledge brings added responsibility.

Someday, you'll be stronger than you are today. You aren't ready for this yet, but in the future you will be helping someone else because of what you've gone through. Don't pressure yourself, but begin to think, "Where can I go with this - eventually? How can I turn these burdens into a benefit? How have other people handled this?"

Brainstorm ideas for how, if you could change anything, you would make the world better for rape/sexual abuse victims. What might have prevented your disaster? What would have made things easier for you after it happened? Probably you will finally land on some specific, do-able ideas that someone who had never made this journey couldn't discover. And there will come a time when your thoughts can actually make a difference. Make plans to clear the way for that day to come. Prepare for your turn, AFTER you get better, to help.

Jesus didn't want the responsibility and horror of the cross - He said, "Father (God), if Thou be willing, remove this cup" (dying on the cross) "from Me: . . . " (Luke 22:42) But how thankful we are that He allowed Himself the suffering! His torture and agony gave HOPE - to a WHOLE WORLD through out all the ages.

Let your life and your recovery bring hope - Jesus will help you.

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." (Romans 15:13)

"What about my privacy?"

Let's say you're five years old and you've painstakingly and proudly built an elaborate castle with your blocks. Then, a 5'9" bully with a smirk on his face comes along and smashes your castle to the ground, and starts taking your blocks away.

What do you do?

Well, in addition to throwing a fit, you frantically scramble to protect as many blocks as you can - in hopes of possibly re-building your castle in peace.

That's kinda' where you're at with your privacy. Your "castle" was smashed by a bully and you're desperately snatching chances to re-gain what is personally yours. How can you do that?

First of all, every survivor will be different in what they need to re-build their privacy. Your needs in this area will be different from another victim's needs that you know. Noone else will know what you need or when you need it. So we're back to communication. You must figure out, "What is bothering me about this situation? What would make me feel better?" and then ask for it nicely.

You may have to ask your gym teacher, "Is there a place I can dress out in private?" Or, in the planning stages of a trip, you could say, "I'll pay extra if I can have my own room." Or, you may need to tell a friend, "I just don't feel like talking about that right now. Can we talk about something else?" At a slumber party, you can say, "I'll wait to change in the bathroom." Or if a friend wants to follow you into the mall dressing room, you can say, "Look, I have this thing about being in a dressing room by myself. I'll come out and show you the outfit when I get it on."

It's no surprise that you're sensitive in this area. And this is repititious, I know, but you are under no obligation to explain the reasons why you need extra privacy. If someone tries to force you to "confess", you just say, "Well, that's private. I'm just asking for some extra help, that's all." And do your best not to sound angry or defensive or sarcastic. The person may say no to your request, and you may have to end up asking someone else. That's o.k. - keep trying - respectfully and kindly, though persistently.

Keep remembering - Jesus has a heart for re-building what has been torn down. His heart is for you. Jesus was talking about Himself when He said, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He (God) hath anointed Me (Jesus) to preach the gospel to the poor; He hath sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, . . . " (Luke 4:18).

" 'You have to forgive.' "

Pressure, pressure, pressure.

You might respond to this speaker - not in a mean way, but with an impish, teasing twinkle in your eye - have THEY forgiven everyone in life THEY need to forgive? I doubt it - yet you're somehow required to get every little detail of your travesty "just so."

I'm not a psychologist or counselor, but my guess is an EFFECTIVE counselor will not belabor this point. I'm also assuming every rape victim knows they've been raped. Now you're saying, "Huh? What does that have to do with forgiveness?"

O.k. - here it is - let's say you're "making out" with somebody, and things go even further. I believe you know when it "turns the corner" into rape because I believe EVERY RAPE VICTIM FEARS FOR THEIR LIFE. Rape is beyond "rough sex" - it enters the realm of being violent and even murderous. And every survivor knows this: rape is not a minor "breaking the rules" - rape is dangerous and many times deadly.

Therefore, a good counselor will understand - at first, probably the most pressing issue is NOT forgiveness, but to be sure you're in safe circumstances right now. Then, you've also got to FEEL safe, or at least, feel a tiny bit safer. You can't even think straight 'til that issue is addressed. Then it's got to be drummed into your head that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT and you get into self-image issues (and that can take awhile). And you've got to talk about how to deal with your relationships now and how to cope with the day-to-day requirements of your world. Then there's possible post-traumatic stress disorder and depression issues to be resolved.

You don't put an accident victim into physical therapy when he's still in the emergency room: to me, a rape survivor spends quite awhile in the "emergency room." Forgiveness seems to be more of a "long term" issue (the "physical therapy" stage, if you will) - something you get to AFTER you're out of the emergency room, at the END of your recovery.

And you must understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting, having a "warm, fuzzy feeling" toward the attacker, acting like it doesn't matter, or resuming the relationship. You can forgive even when you're in a lawsuit to hold the perpetrator accountable.

Maybe forgiveness has to do more with your motives - WHY do you want to put your attacker in jail? Work toward an attitude of protecting others, making a safer school or city, a "wake-up call" for a dangerous person who's out of control. Try to move away from - wanting the person to agonize and suffer. Those feelings will hurt YOU more than anybody else.

And keep working on your own recovery. I know this - the stronger and safer you feel, the easier it is to meet the requirement of forgiveness.

God will help you where you're weak! "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) Never forget: He's walking through this with you and He is the Great Forgiver. He's got extra forgiveness in His "basket" to fill up your empty forgiveness basket.

All you have to do is ask.

" 'You're bitter.' "

Here we go. More criticism.

I believe that when people say this, they aren't really saying what they mean. I think what they really mean is, "Wow. I've never watched or listened to anger this deep and intense and it scares me." I believe that when someone loves you and sees you so distraught, it upsets them and they just want everything to be fine again . . . NOW! They honestly care about you and they want to see you happy, not devastated. And, since they don't know what else to do or say, they think they can snap you back to being o.k. by throwing out something that it seems like you can actually DO something about.

But here's the facts - YOU WILL BE ANGRY, REAL ANGRY.

If you're not right now, you'll get there, sooner or later. In a way, anger is necessary and good. You see, if you don't get angry, you're probably denying to yourself what really happened - and denial can end up being a bad thing. Also, anger is active and energizing and you'll be more likely to be driven to make some positive improvements in your situation if you're angry about it. Another thing - if you don't get angry, you're likelier to fall into patterns of non-resistance to future victimizations.

In fact, in the generally known and accepted stages of grief, anger is one of the "steps": 1) Denial: "It didn't happen," or, "It doesn't really matter." 2) Anger: "I will get them back if it's the LAST thing I do." 3) Bargaining: "If I do thus and so, everything's gonna' be like it was before." 4) Depression: "Nothing's working, so I'll just give up." 5) Acceptance: "I don't want this, but I'm gonna' be o.k. - eventually."

These are stages you'll feel yourself go through. Sometimes, you get stuck in one stage a long time. But, you'll know - you're better off than you were last year at this time.

God even gives you permission to be angry: "BE YE ANGRY" (Ephesians 4:26) - but He issues a warning: "and sin not." It's all in what you do with your anger. That's the key. USE your anger for good!

One time I was so angry I knew I was fixing to "be bad" because of it, so I painted my shed in the back yard. I was STILL angry, so I painted the outside of my house. For several years afterward, I would look at my house and my shed and know - something positive came out of my negative experience.

Get together with a group of kids who've told you they were raped, read a rape recovery book together and discuss it. Offer to drive a fellow victim to the rape crisis center for counseling. Schedule a meeting with your principal and request added security in the school hallways and rest rooms. Go out for the football team.

Trust me - you can get SO MUCH done when you're angry!

" 'Just get over it.' "

"What's wrong with her? I know she got raped, but couldn't she get over it by now? I mean, it's been a whole year."

Well, we both know that if you could "just get over it", you certainly would have by now. It's not like this stuff is fun and enjoyable.

I had a big dog once - in a tiny, muddy back yard. When I rescued the dog from a downpour once by gathering him into my postage-stamp size kitchen, he shook all over . . . and then he shook AGAIN. It took a long time to first get the dog clean and dry, and then restore my kitchen! The tasks just went on and on - and in the months to come I continued to discover amazing places shaken mud could land.

I'm not comparing you to my dog - but I am comparing your "clean-up job" with my kitchen rescue. You never asked for this huge job you've now got to do - and you were totally unprepared for it. In some ways, it's like asking a non-runner to show up for the Boston marathon! But many people just don't understand that.

Even the apostle Paul in the New Testament had something he couldn't get over - he called it his "thorn in the flesh" - a "messenger of Satan." (II Corinthians 12:7) Remember what a bold, mighty soulwinner Paul was?

But this thing - whatever it was - hindered his way. Do you feel like you're dragging around a "messenger of Satan"? Paul even asked God three times to take it away. God didn't take it away, but He gave Paul a message that ministered to him deeply and has sustained countless faltering saints since: "And He (God) said unto me (Paul), 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'" (II Corinthians 12:9)

Ignore those who say, "Just get over it." Don't take those words to heart. Instead, respond with, "I am - a little more every day," and tell yourself over and over: "I AM making progress. I am doing what I can to overcome this. Things will get better."

And know - you are a walking testimony to God's grace. He is showing Himself sufficient to you in very unexpected and unfamiliar ways. The weakness you have experienced is being swallowed up into God's strength - a little bit more every day.

Imagine sharing a burden similar in size with someone as great and victorious as the Apostle Paul!

" 'You're just using this as an excuse.' "

You've figured out by now that others just can't comprehend all the issues you have to sort through. They don't understand how deeply this has affected you.

And you've probably caught on, too, that, in general, people just don't want to feel uncomfortable. So, if your struggles or unintentional reactions are spilling over into their well-ordered worlds, they're forced to try to "file you away" somehow.

And a common way to accomplish that is to find a way to shine the spotlight of criticism on you and shut you down from bothering them. However painful this is for you, I'm gonna' propose that their intention is not to purposely hurt you - it is to find a way to go on living their own lives, without "obstacles."

Remember when we talked about being able to "pull back" yourself and "re-group"? We talked about communicating clearly that you need some "alone time" and "space to breathe". It could be, that when someone who cares about you descends into criticism of you, they don't really mean to criticize you. They may really mean, "I need a break. It's very painful for me to watch your pain 'cause I love you. I just need to rest a little while." They just haven't figured out themselves that's what's really going on. They may not know how to say it.

Maybe if someone who loves you makes a snide remark to you, you could say, "Are you really trying to say you need a break? Do you just want me to chill out at home for now and you can call me tomorrow?" Then that gives them the opportunity to either apologize or to agree with you, thereby communicating in a clearer way. And that will make a stronger relationship, which is good for both of you.

I know this is really hard for you, 'cause your feelings are so raw, but you have to give other people the freedom to have a bad day. It's gonna' happen, and you will cause yourself less trauma if you will let them have some breathing room. Force yourself to think, "It's not about me - they've got their own issues to work through right now."

And don't be afraid - turn off your panic button! Just go back to your own relaxation tricks. Tell yourself, "It's o.k. I am a special person. God made me a blessing to other people," and then go do something YOU like to do.

And know - that always, God is the PERFECT friend. He never gets weak or tired of you. He never wants a break from you - He wants to be with you ALL THE TIME. God doesn't criticize you - "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) God loves you deeply and perfectly - "The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy: He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

God delights in everything about you - He intentionally MADE you the way you are! "My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth." (Psalm 139:15)

Walk tall, 'cause GOD IS WITH YOU!

"Nobody cares."

Life is brutal. Teenager-hood is worse.

Even if you were a teenager with a "normal" life, there is so much nasty competition and mean gossip and hurtful manipulation. It is nothing short of alarming to watch how cold and detached and un-feeling people can be. It seems to make no difference even when the people are Christians sometimes. God's children at times have alot of "stuff" beside Jesus shining through!

And when all this extra hurt gets piled on top of your still-aching scars, the freshness of your pain can feel like you've stopped breathing. You helplessly groan as those old wounds just re-open, and everything floods back. A fight with a boyfriend/girlfriend can be painful to someone else, but it can mean complete agony for you, 'cause you're still drowning in feelings and insecurities from "the big issue."

You just want to scream, "How can nobody care about everything I've gone through? How can they make me so invisible? How can I 'not matter' this much?"

I'm so sorry - I wish I could take this away from you.

Remember Joseph in the Old Testament and his "coat of many colors"? Now that was a guy who knew what it meant for nobody to care - well, except his dad, but that never seemed to make any difference. His brothers hated him so much they threw him in a pit and nobody cared. Then they sold him for a slave and nobody cared. Then Potiphar's wife got him thrown into prison and nobody cared. He even ministered to fellow-prisoners and nobody cared. He finally got out of prison, but it wasn't 'cause anybody cared - it was 'cause Pharoah was upset about a dream and Joseph became useful.

But there's a quiet tidbit as you read through the story of Joseph. The Bible says - even through all the time as a slave and years in prison - "But the LORD was WITH JOSEPH. . . " (Genesis 39:2, 21) Now isn't that a crazy thing to say? Here he's endured some of the worst rejection and mistreatment a person can experience. How can you say, "the LORD was with him"?

I don't know all the answers, but I DO know- through all the dark days, God's hand never left Joseph. And God's love for and fierce commitment to Joseph never once wavered. And you know the end of the story - Joseph gets "the world" handed to him on a silver platter by Pharoah and he gets his family restored to him in repentance and loyalty.

A very wise lady once helped me get a vital principle nailed down. It's true that in your circumstances, many people will help you and you should call upon their help - don't stop reaching out for their help. However, you and I both know that every person on earth can let you down, sooner or later. So what do you do? Close down the shop and quit? NO - 'cause you always keep in mind Who the REAL Source is. If people help you, it's only 'cause they're letting God work through them. HE really was your real Helper all along. Don't expect PEOPLE to solve your problems - keep your focus on GOD and His help.

"My soul, wait thou ONLY upon God, for my expectation is FROM HIM." (Psalm 62:5)

So if people aren't coming through for you right now, it's o.k. It really was God helping you all along, anyway, and He will emerge from the shadows once again.

"I'll never be the same again."

Of course you're right.

But you know what? I'M not the same person I was yesterday, either. With every day that passes, we add new people, new experiences, new lessons, to our worlds. And none of us can go back and re-live what is past. So, I don't think the fact that you've changed is the real problem - 'cause you were constantly changing anyway before this happened.

I think what's bothering you is being overwhelmed with - where do I go from here? How do I deal with these changes in me? What does it mean for me now to keep living my life?

People talk about a "new normal." And that's your goal now. You can't go back to the way life used to be - none of us can do that. But all through these posts, we've been addressing how to carve out a "new normal" for yourself. We've touched on what to do with your new fears, how to assimilate this tragedy and rebuild a positive self-image. We've talked about how to deal with people now - responding to their comments, resisting their smothering, and reaching out for their company. We've talked about writing out some goals for yourself - make them short-term as well as long-term and focus on achieving them. And we've brought up God and how vital it is to keep forcing yourself to seek Him even though you feel betrayed by Him right now. These are all ways to establish a "new normal" for yourself.

But please don't think my suggestions are complete - they'll only get you started. You are smart enough to know how to "take it from here." And, if you get stuck somewhere, you will know when it's time to reach out for a psychologist's or counselor's help. Do not hesitate or delay in doing that.

One of my favorite Bible verses - because of its symbolism - is Isaiah 61:3 - "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He might be glorified."

God will move you forward to a new day - even if it seems like only one millimeter at a time. Get yourself a plain desk calendar with room to write on every day. Write one thing God does for you every day - even if it's as simple as making it a sunny day. Or, write down that nice thing your brother/sister said to you. Or just write down one good thing or one thing that makes you happy. If you do this long enough, God's goodness will begin to dawn on you. And it will be easier to face your future.

"I feel naked."

You know that dream where you're standing in the gym in front of a school-wide assembly - and you look down and you're completely naked?

I think the psychological term for this is "vulnerability." And rape/sexual abuse ravages your vulnerability as few other possible life-situations ever could. You probably feel naked all the time. You think you can walk into a room and, you don't know how, but everybody can look at you and they "just know." And if they know, you somehow think YOU'RE the one who's supposed to feel ashamed (instead of your perpetrator). It's like you think YOU did something wrong (which you didn't - we've covered this one before, remember?)

I guess another side to vulnerability is feeling helpless. You've experienced the frightening and sobering reality that you were powerless to prevent or stop the attack. It's like an un-armed soldier jumped by the enemy - he's vulnerable 'cause he's defenseless. You know all about dangerous situations. What's more - at the very least, you feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable and awkward.

Hopefully you're surrounded by people who understand your need to pull back and "re-group" - recover your defenses, as the saying goes. But that's not always the case. It's very easy for people to misunderstand your need to think, "de-compress", and better equip yourself - to just RECOVER.

For this reason, it's up to you to communicate better than you ever have before - "I just need some alone time. I'll go with you next time." "Look, can we postpone this 'til next week? I can't 'breathe' right now - I've got to get some 'air'." "Nothing's wrong - this has nothing to do with you - I'm just taking a mental health break over some personal issues." You think up your own responses and write them on index cards. You are under no obligation to "spill" your situation - just respectfully request a break.

If the person gets too aggressive and rude asking too many questions, just tell them, "I have to ask you to stop asking questions, 'cause I won't be answering them. Please respect my privacy. I'll call you later." - and walk away. Don't automatically write the person off, 'cause it could be genuine concern prompting the nosiness. However, you may have to adjust to the fact that, with certain personalities, you just have to be more assertive in protecting your personal spaces.

And, thank God for rape crisis centers and other counseling venues who understand this need for protection from vulnerability. Keeping names confidential, positioning entrances in the backs of buildings so you don't feel like you're marching in a parade walking to the entrance. Some people DO "get it" - thank God for that!

And someday, YOU will be just the person who "gets it" for somebody else. You will be someone's "safe haven". YOU are a very important person!

"Who (God) comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."

(II Corinthians 1:4)

"This is too hard."

It gets exhausting, doesn't it? You try and try and you still can't shake the nightmares or panicky fears (of EVERYTHING) or the hatred. You keep asking, "Why? Why? Why?" and you hear absolutely nothing.

Will you ever be like everybody else again? Will you ever stop hurting - in your entire lifetime? You're STILL not sleeping, and you have headaches all the time because of that. Every day your stomach stays in knots. Isn't there any way you could fall asleep and wake up with everything o.k. again? You look around and all you see just looks gray - and it's very hard to take a deep breath 'cause there's this heavy cloud bearing down on you. You feel nothing - just the numbness of mechanically and BARELY meeting the requirements your world demands.

I wish I could take this away from you. You've got to figure out what will keep you "in the game." You've got to learn ways that are within your power - and that are SMART - to give yourself a break and show love to yourself. Can you take a bubble bath - or a long, hot shower?

How about a jog around the block? Or curl up with some hot cocoa and a suspenseful murder

mystery. Call a friend to go see a movie.

Learn to recognize signs of tension in your body - jaw clenched, teeth gritted together, shoulders hunched up, neck painful and tight, stomach knotted up, fists clenched, breath shallow and fast. Force yourself to take slow, deep breaths. Roll your head around so your neck loosens up. Stretch as tall as you can to the ceiling. Massage your jaw. Tighten then relax your hands.

Do something to distract yourself from the sadness - learn to play a musical instrument. Write a book. Run for political office and make victims' rights your pet issue.

What makes you smile? Do it.

God is loving you through this - even if you see no evidence of it yet.

"For I AM PERSUADED, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth," (nor rape) "nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) Memorize these verses!

And don't wear your problems as a badge, using them for an excuse. Remember this - problems are made to be SOLVED, not ignored but not bowed down to and worshipped either. Get up and take some type of action to solve your problems instead of just sitting around endlessly talking about them.

You WILL make it through!

"I'm trash."

Is this because you think you "lost your virginity" and therefore your purity is gone?

O.K. - I'm gonna' put virginity/purity issues and rape in two different worlds. I don't think of rape as "having sex" - I think of rape as a violent attack of a sexual nature. This was not an action you performed WITH somebody - this was an action that was forced upon you. The fact that you were raped in no way makes you impure or unholy. It just makes you really hurt.

Or maybe you're in a different category. Maybe you've been sexually abused by a family member since childhood. And maybe you remember some physical enjoyment. Listen and listen good - if the person was an authority figure over you, the situation was abusive, even if you experienced some pleasure. You were grievously wronged. The older or more powerful person is guilty of a major crime - YOU ARE THE INNOCENT PARTY.

You see, if you're under 18 and your abuser is several years older than you or has the authority to control you, the abuser is taking advantage of your weakness in comparison with him/her. There's no way you can make an independent decision to become involved with someone sexually until you can understand the responsibilities of the adult world as an "over 18" person and the consequences of your decision. Until you are capable of knowing "what you're getting into", a person who has power behind them to lead you down this road is abusing you. (It's different if you're sexually involved with someone in your age group and you both agreed - that's not abuse.)

Maybe an adult or older sibling bullied you into watching pornography as a kid - this is called sexualizing a child and it constitutes abuse. God does not hold you responsible!

I'm so concerned about this aspect because some of you won't make friends anymore with other kids who appear to be virgins. You think you're suddenly different from them 'cause you're "not a virgin" anymore. It's true that you do have a knowledge that other people don't have, and that can't be changed. But that knowledge does not spoil your purity or make you sinful.

"But," you say, "you don't know the thoughts I have because of my past. They're dirty and I'm ashamed of what I think about." Alright, let's talk about it. This is a mental burden - yet another aspect of an abuser's damage to you.

Many people struggle with unwelcome thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks - for many different reasons. I've heard of war veterans, emergency workers, or natural disaster victims suffering from horrifying memories or panicky imaginations. Never an easy problem to conquer. You are in need of being "de-programmed" somewhat, in a sense - sexually speaking. You need to move from "over-sexualization" to a sexual level that's more appropriate for your age and circumstances. Work with your psychologists and counselors!

REPLACE that rubble with uplifting movies and TV shows and books and a fascinating new hobby. Go to sleep with Christian music playing. WORK it out - on the basketball court. And the very best re-programming tool is the Bible. I won't pretend it will solve all your problems, but try reading a chapter every day and memorizing verses. CRAM it in - you may be surprised what happens.

Let's say you WERE being sexually promiscuous at the time of your rape. What if you already were not a virgin at age 14? I repeat - you STILL didn't deserve to be raped, because rape is a violent crime. It could never be appropriately used as discipline to correct someone's bad behavior.

However, it's true that being sexually promiscuous is dangerous - for many reasons. That's why it's called "risky behavior" - you expose yourself to the chances of being victimized in alot of ways. The rape you experienced may have come because there was no protection for you in your "at-risk" sexual situation. THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT YOUR FAULT, but it is a sign that you need to start living safer.

And let's talk about where this puts you with God - let's just GO THERE. You probably already know God considers sexual immorality to be sin. ("Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, . . . " Galatians 5:19). But you know what? Even if you had never once had premarital sex, you still couldn't have been good enough for God to accept you. One little white lie in your whole lifetime is enough to condemn you forever - because God is perfectly holy.

But here's the good news - Jesus is so powerfully pure and righteous that His death on the cross IS enough to cover all the sexual sins and little white lies of all people throughout history and into the future. Just accept His sacrifice as what you need and then walk in the refreshing relief of being forgiven. Then let God help you re-make your life into a safer and wiser one.

"'Dress causes rape.'"

You've heard it - "I can't believe what she's wearing. She's just asking to be raped."

Aren't you just stunned when you hear that? To me, it indicates the speaker has just never really thought through the subject of rape.

Let's just stop now to analyze these issues:

1. First, raping someone and "making a pass" at someone are not even in the same universe. Rape is a felony, a serious crime - not a normal reaction. Guys and girls trying to attract each others' attention and responding to those attempts to grab attention IS normal, and it's not even close to a crime. I would guess the girl who's "dressed that way" has a new outfit and she feels like she looks good in it and would like some attention, but rape hasn't even entered her mind.

2. IF dress causes rape, why do 80-year-old women get raped? What about a 35-year-old prison inmate dressed in an institutional uniform? Or an 8-year-old boy?

3. You've heard this - rape is a crime of power, not a crime of sex. Rape is all about what the attacker wants, not what the victim wants. The attacker wants to conquer and subdue, by choosing the most available victim and the best chance to get by with the crime. Historically, rape has even been used as an act of war - as a way to defeat populations of people. Dress would have very little to do with that type of agenda.

4. To connect dress with rape is to imply the victim deserved to be raped because she shouldn't have dressed "sexy." I'll discuss dress more in a minute, BUT rape is in no fathomable way an equal and just punishment for wearing an outfit your parents wouldn't allow. Sneaking into sexy clothes is not against the law because it doesn't have the potential to destroy another person's life as rape does.

Now I DO have to clarify. Your clothing IS very important - another entire book could be written about it. II Corinthians 5:20 calls Christians "ambassadors for Christ" - His representatives to this world. In the eyes of non-Christians, God's reputation is at stake in how you look and how you act and how you talk. Remember to - "Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation (conduct), in charity (love), in spirit, in faith, in purity." (II Timothy 4:12) So you want to dress to glorify Christ. Don't despair, though - there ARE ways to attract the attention of the opposite sex without throwing yourself out of the realm of holiness.

And the next time you hear someone say "she dresses to be raped," here is what you will do. You WILL NOT slap them silly. Instead, you will imagine yourself putting on your kindly, professor-looking, "wise old owl" spectacles, crossing your hands on the table intelligently in front of you, quietly clearing your throat, and CALMLY saying, "Yes, well, have you ever considered this point?" And you will proceed to conduct a mature, civilized debate on the points we have discussed in this post. You will become the brilliant, though GENTLE, great "enlightener."

"I'll reject you before you reject me."

This is a game some of you are playing. You think, "If they find out what happened to me, they're gonna' run away from me. So I'll just be sure I'm the first one to leave - it doesn't hurt so bad that way."

O.K. - this is just more plain ole' fear. Fear just keeps popping its head in everywhere. Yet again, it's the fear of social rejection.

And putting on physical "armor" or carrying a defensive weapon like wasp spray won't conquer this fear. Still, I've seen some of you strap on that "shield" of trash talk, thinking that will protect you from any prying questions. Or, your defensive weapon may be your reputation for picking fights of the physical or verbal nature - to punish someone who suspects your secret. It could be that you've just gotten into the habit of privately picking apart every person you get closer to. After all, if you convince yourself they're not that great anyway, you won't feel so rotten when they walk away.

I'm telling you - this rejection game is a game you will never win. You want to stop playing this game. Chances are good that this new person may be a person who will help you, not hurt you. This person may tell you a joke to make you smile. Or this person may be amazed at the landscape you just painted. Or this person may invite you to a party. Or this person may pray for you.

Break this habit of brick-walling yourself inside. Start noticing what are the tricks you play to push people away. Stop demanding that everyone around you be a super-hero. They don't have the power to repair your world, but they can keep you from fighting it alone - and that makes them special.

But first you have to learn to welcome their company. Look around - what do other people do to reach out? Do they give compliments - do they go sit by someone who's alone - do they offer a helping hand - do they ask how did you do on the test?

Take mental lessons on how to invite other people into your world so you can stop kicking people out. You'll be glad, someday. You may even get close enough to somebody to find out that they had an issue they feared you'd reject them for, also. You may find out you're not as different as you think you are, after all.

You will feel "connected" again, one of these days! Keep holding on to that hope.

"The church won't protect me."

Again, true.

It is extremely discouraging to become aware of how many churches steadfastly refuse to deal with this issue. One hears repeated examples of church leaders either being the abuser themselves or covering up abusers or refusing to remove abusers from influential positions. This phenomenon crosses all denominational, geographical, and generational lines. Church leaders are intimidated by abusers with wealth or power or influence.

Or, the problem in a church may be as simple as a lack of education, resulting in leaders being completely unaware and insensitive to the issues victims face and causing further trauma and heartache to an already fearful and insecure survivor.

If you're a youth director or pastor reading this, PLEASE inform yourself about this issue (and it takes more than reading one magazine article). Large church buildings desperately need to be more secure - lock up unused wings, employ hall monitors, put up cameras. Obviously I'm no expert on building safety, but SOMEBODY needs to take up the cause.

Pastors, figure out a way to sponsor sexual violence and abuse support groups - legally. Some of you are staring at half-empty congregations, week after week. You may find your flock growing if you'll start addressing the needs of this group, which unfortunately is larger than you want to believe.

If you don't want to say anything, fine - instead consider this: You have no idea the power behind simply displaying a brochure in your lobby tract rack - with phone numbers for victims to call for help. This easily sends two messages: 1) To the victim - "We care about you and want to see you get help." 2) To a perpetrator - "We will not cover for you here - we will expose you for the protection of our people."

Youth directors, you have a vital job - you have influence over so many more people than I do. Set up a standard operating procedure for Sunday School teachers / leaders to follow when a young person confides that he/she has been raped or abused (and the FIRST rule should be -

"DO NOT ASK, 'What were you wearing?'") . Teen-age guys and girls should be trained in how to flirt with each other - without crossing the line into sexual harassment. Insist that when participants must break from your group activities, they always leave in two's. And understand the symptoms of sexual abuse - it may well be exactly the thing that has created your "problem kids". Learn about post traumatic stress disorder. You see, when you didn't sleep at all last night due to nightmares and flashbacks, it's kinda' hard to react maturely to every situation in youth group - especially when you're only fifteen. I'm not advocating suspending discipline for bad behavior. But I'm pleading for you to exercise compassion and sensitivity in discipline with the parents and child. More of a, "How can I help you overcome this destructive pattern?" instead of the harsh, "You've got to change . . . IMMEDIATELY! or we don't want you here."

Pastors and youth directors - you have the resources in Ephesians 6:11-18 to deal with this! The devil is wreaking havoc on our future generation through sexual abuse and violence. I beg you to embrace the responsibility God commissioned for you and reach out to these battered sheep silently screaming for your help.

"Who did this to you?"

Listen in on a casual conversation about rape. Almost every time, you will hear some of our shameful prejudices spill out in the comments made. And you go cold.

The subject of rape and sexual abuse brings out the worst in all of us.

Listen to me. A rapist is a criminal - a felon. And criminals come in all shapes, sizes, ethnic groups, and even financial categories. Even if your rapist is never convicted or labeled by the world as a criminal, the truth remains. YOU know the truth, and that is really all that matters. Remember - your own opinion about yourself and your situation is what really controls your behavior. The bad news is - you can't change the opinions of others. But the good news is - if your behavior is "off" 'cause your opinion of yourself is "off", then YOU CAN CHANGE your own opinion and straighten out your own behavior.

If someone "writes you off" because of who your perpetrator was, that's just crazy. It makes no sense at all. Just understand - that person who rejected you has his/her own problems - it has nothing to do with you.

What if the abuser is your own family member? There seems to be a unique stigma attached to that situation. Well, plain and simple, you have a member of your family who's a law-breaking criminal. EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE KNOWS THAT.

What if your attacker is a very powerful "respected" person? Even if it's never proven on this earth, that person deserves to be tried and convicted and punished and stopped from ever doing it again. Again, YOU know the truth. You may be the only one who ever knows the truth.

But you're cheating yourself if you place your own life in limbo insisting that the rest of the world know the truth. Don't misunderstand me - if you've pressed charges and the legal wheels are in motion, fine. Good. Go for it all the way. I stand behind you one hundred percent. But prepare yourself that you may not get what you're looking for. A "guilty" verdict may not come for your perpetrator. You may never be able to convince another soul on earth of what really happened.

The point I'm trying to make is - even in the midst of "sworn statements" and court delays and lawyer meetings, KEEP LIVING YOUR LIFE. If you've tried to warn the world about this dangerous person and it didn't work, walk away. Your conscience is now clear. Don't make it a requirement to convince the world of your attacker's guilt before you can move forward. Life is still out there, and it's waiting for you to participate. There are still good days to be lived. You don't have to have everyone else's affirmation of your victimization. Don't sit around and wait for it.

It really doesn't matter who your offender was, it hasn't changed your value as a person and the blessing you are to this world.

"It's so lonely."

They say problems are like noses: everybody's got one. And everybody talks about 'em.

You sit around in a group with everybody talking about their problems. You throw in a comment or two about your "normal" problems.

But the question nags at you: What if they knew? What if I told them my REAL problem? Would they run? Would they stop sitting with me at lunch? Would they blame it on me? Would they ask me a tacky question? Could I stand that? Would I break down in front of everybody?

Then that cloud descends on you, and you feel your smile fade - depression, and sadness flood in on you. You feel so alone. How can you take this all by yourself?

Part of this goes back to fear. (Remember when we talked about fear?) Only this is not fear of physical safety, this is fear of social rejection. You're afraid that if your secret becomes common knowledge, everyone will disappear.

Well, I can guarantee you one thing. Somebody already knows it all - everything about your deep dark secret. Remember when we talked about God being omnipresent? He's present everywhere. Well, there's another big word for God: omniscient. That means He knows everything. "O LORD, Thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising; Thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, Thou knowest it altogether." (Psalm 139:1-4)

You may say, "Right. Sure. So THAT must be why God has disappeared from my life too." But He hasn't - even if you can't see Him working for you or if you can't feel His presence. Because immediately after talking about how deeply God knows you, the Psalmist goes on to say - "Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid Thine hand upon me." (Psalm 139:5) Does that sound like Someone who's running away from you?

And there's more - "Whither shall I go from Thy spirit? Or whither shall I flee from Thy presence?" (Psalm 139:7) So, you can't get away from God even if YOU'RE the one running away from HIM! "If I ascend up into heaven, Thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, Thou are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall Thy hand lead me, and Thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me;' even the night shall be light about me." (Psalm 139:8-11)

God is forever committed to His children, no matter what. If you're a Christian, you may feel lonely, but the fact is - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Don't lie to yourself. Keep telling yourself the truth.

"God doesn't love me."

Your body got bruised and beat up and battered. You have been treated with violence and damage and destruction. These were the actions of hatred. It's gonna' be hard to feel loved - by ANYBODY.

Add your confusion - Why did God let this happen to me? Why didn't God strike him dead? Why doesn't God make this all go away? Why does it get harder for me every day? How could God love me and stand back and watch me live in absolute misery? . . . . . . And you can add your own to the list.

I can't answer all your questions, but it may help you to hear the story of someone else who felt abandoned and cast off by God. Elijah, an Old Testament prophet, had gone "toe to toe" with the very wicked and abusive king Ahab and his equally bad wife Jezebel. These two people were murderous and idolatrous and Elijah told them face to face that God was judging them with a drought. Elijah endured the drought, protected one hundred Godly prophets from the rulers' murderous intents, triumphed in an intense conflict with Ahab on Mt. Carmel, then ran for his life from his most recent death threat (one of several).

Elijah had borne a great load of injustice and mistreatment. After asking God to let him die, he slept and then awoke to a meal prepared by God and then slept some more. Able to travel again, Elijah left but again found himself hiding in a cave - with serious issues. He told God -

. . . "the children of Israel have forsaken Thy covenant, thrown down Thine altars, and slain Thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."

(I Kings 19:10). Do you know how it feels to fear for your life?

In that cave, Elijah experienced a strong wind, an earthquake, and a fire - but God wasn't in them. After all the turmoil came a "still, small voice" that Elijah knew to be God's and, after a little more arguing, Elijah was able to gain strength to move forward again in victory.

You're in a storm - everything is whirling around you in chaos. You don't sense God or His love in your catastrophe. But there will eventually come a "still, small voice" if you'll keep listening. God will renew your faith and hope. It may take a long time, but keep watching and waiting for God. Keep looking up. "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Jesus cried out from the cross as He agonized in death: "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). He understands how it feels to be truly abandoned by God. Go to Him with your feelings, and keep telling yourself that help is on the way for you.

"Why do I have to carry this burden?"

You used to think the world was a happy, safe place. Now you know differently. Among the many other things that were taken from you, your innocence was stolen too. Your eyes have been opened. You are now aware, and everywhere you go you see the danger. You see the leering stare of a possible predator; you hear the disgusting comments; you watch bold, wandering hands; you observe the nervous, downcast, defeated glance of a likely victim. And you will always know . . .

what's out there. It is truly a heavy burden to carry. Especially when you're only sixteen. And it seems like nobody else carries this burden. Your parents tell you you're imagining things. Your best friend tells you to get your mind out of the gutter. But they just don't see the world the way you see it.

You ARE very young for this, but I've watched some of you. You are the ones who will reach out to help a handicapped person open a door, 'cause you know what it means to feel helpless. You smile at a homeless lady 'cause you've felt worthless before. You LOVE abused animals. And you pay special attention to children 'cause you know it's scary to be small.

Your burden is exhausting and depressing and uncomfortable, but it has a good side. Along with the anxiety, your burden has brought you compassion and sensitivity and insightful kindness. You will grow up to be described as having a "special gift" - for mercy or wisdom or brilliant solutions to safety problems.

You've got to figure out ways to take a break from this. I know that seems impossible 'cause it's everywhere you look. But when you can't handle the pressure anymore, develop a strategy. If you see a bad situation at the mall, turn around and walk the other way. Go into a different store. Don't go punch the guy - you are not the person to fix it. Force yourself to breathe slowly and deeply. Stop gritting your teeth. Have a phrase you repeat to yourself over and over, such as, "I'm safe now." Choose to believe that if you can conquer your mountain, that hurting victim you see will someday find the strength to conquer her/his problems too. If you can do it, others can follow.

And keep channeling that concern you feel into positive directions - volunteer at a rape crisis center, run for political office and crusade for victims' rights, compose a song, write poetry, be a big brother/big sister to a child who's been abused. Take positive action and that fierce energy inside you will be easier to handle.

At the end of a very heavy day, run to your Heavenly Father's arms for refreshment and comfort. "For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him . . . Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear Him. For He knoweth our frame; He remembereth that we are dust." (Psalm 103:11, 13-14)

He knows how hard this is for you.

"Why can't I be special?"

You don't have to look very far to see a girl or guy who has everything going for him/her. A crowd of family at every ball game holding up signs for them. A new, CUTE outfit every week or the most expensive athletic gear. Teachers patting them on the back and praising them to everybody. Lots of admiration from the opposite sex. Friends who loyally stick up for them and give them endless attention. Any rumors you hear about them are compliments, not criticism.

Then there's you. Some of you have let the stress and strain of lugging this around come out in your reactions to other people. If you haven't gone public with your "secret," others can be perplexed by your over-reactions to common situations. Or, if you HAVE gone public, you may be suffering from rejection due to people's fears and misunderstandings. Whatever the reasons, people may very well be avoiding you.

It is very hard for you to watch your peers having their dreams come true before your very eyes - a magical prom, a golden scholarship, a dream job. And you're stuck just arguing yourself into dragging out of bed every day. It seems like those youthful dreams were shattered for you in a short ten minutes. You feel like you're watching your chances slip away with every day that passes. You feel older than everybody else around you.

What do you want? What do you want for your future? Forget what happened to you for just a minute - quit giving yourself excuses not to do these things. Write down what you want your tomorrows to look like. College? Career? Boyfriend? Best friend? Your own car? Kids? A full week without being called to the principal's office? A day without fighting with somebody? Getting all your fines and tickets paid off?

What is one thing you can do today to get there? Apologize to somebody? Study for the big test for two hours? Call someone to meet you at the mall? Ask your teacher for extra work to bring up your grade? Go fill out a job application? Get a haircut?

And I know you don't feel like doing this, but I have to say it. Spend time with God today. I know you're all mixed up about Him and you just feel like staying away, but don't. Dust off your Bible and read something in it - maybe a chapter anywhere in the Psalms. And then pray a little. If you can't speak the words, write them down. Do something to connect with God. You're not gonna' have everything figured out about Him or your situation, but you've got to have His help. You may not see it or feel it, but He will help you somehow. God REALLY DOES love you. He KNOWS you're special, even if it seems like noone else on earth knows that (including your own self).

"I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are Thy works, and that my soul knoweth right well." (Psalm 139:14)

"I'm scared."

Of course you're scared. There's no way I can understand the sheer terror and panic you feel unless my physical body has been assaulted and mistreated, many times in a life-threatening attack. You know a depth of fear that most people will never experience. And you've also heard - just because you've been raped once, doesn't mean you'll never be raped again. It's not like getting the chicken pox one time and then forever being immune to the disease.

But some of you are doing crazy things that aren't going to keep you from getting raped again. Cutting up your body is not going to make you safer. Stomping around and beating up one person a day won't stop someone from raping you. Cussing out every person who's of the same sex or ethnic group as your attacker won't help. Locking yourself inside your house all the time won't keep a criminal from breaking in. Refusing to wear the same color you were wearing at the time of the assault won't make a bit of difference.

You're not THINKING. You've got to stop reacting and start thinking. What exactly will make you safer? How can this horrifying experience make you a smarter person? What are actions you can take that will actually HELP? If your home is the source of the abuse, maybe you need to contact some authorities. Maybe you've thought about that and already ruled it out. Maybe you need to think in a different direction - about a different authority figure. If you were attacked in a public place, a self-defense course could be a positive, helpful step to take. Or research carrying pepper spray with you - or even wasp spray (I've heard it works better than pepper spray.) If someone broke in your home, find out ways to make your doors and windows more secure. Figure out ways not to end up walking alone. Always have a buddy. If you were "date raped", listen to the advice - never set your drink down and walk away from it - never leave a party alone with someone you just met - only "group date".

If you're abused by someone you trusted, learn about manipulation. Figure out how that person "got to you" and "sucked you in" and learn about how you can keep yourself from being tricked again. You can become stronger than you were before. Don't stop living your life. Don't start doing destructive things. Just become as smart as you possibly can.

And don't make people your enemies who aren't really your enemies. There ARE a few "demons" in your world - but most people are not "demons". Most people are helpful, even though they may not help just the way you want them to help. Of course you're scared - but some of you are scared of way too many people, and you're scared of the wrong people. Keep THINKING - who was the REAL "monster" in my situation? It probably wasn't the police officer or hospital examiners - even though they may not have handled your matter very well. They still HELPED you, even if they didn't do a top-notch job of it.

Remember the devil, your number one enemy? Fear is the weapon he's using to beat you down. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (II Timothy 1:7) Turn from the fear and walk in the power of positive changes and helpful knowledge and smarter habits.

"Why did this happen to me?"

Very good question. 'Cause absolutely nothing makes sense now. Asking this question is your attempt to make "it" more logical, and that way maybe you can handle it better.

You wonder - did I do something to deserve this? Or maybe you tell yourself, "I disobeyed such and such rule, and that's why it happened. This is my punishment." STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. I don't have all the answers, but I know one thing - rape is not your punishment for doing something wrong. Stop telling yourself that. Walk away from other people who try to tell you that. (Don't scream at them - just walk away or change the subject.) You've been beat up enough already - don't beat yourself up more.

To put it short and simple, this happened to you because we live in a world completely corrupted by sin. You were grievously sinned against. People sin against each other all day long. Other sins, however, usually don't have the devastating effects on the victim that this sin does. Another thing - other sins are not against the law, such as cussing or being unkind. And even if the sin IS a law-breaking offense, it's usually not the felony offense that rape / molestation is - such as running a red light or getting caught with marijuana.

SO . . . spiritually you are a victim of another person's sin and legally you are a victim of a violent felony. Tough stuff to handle. And part of the aftermath of being victimized is having to "straighten out the mess" the criminal created - even if all the perpetrator had vandalized was your house. In that way, your victimization continues even after the crime is completed. Unfair - BIG TIME. So that's where we are now - straightening out the mess.

And you know what? If you're making the effort to read this, your "mess" is getting straighter. You're trying. And things are getting better. You may not feel like it and things may not look better yet. But you're reaching your hands out for help and if you ask for help enough times, eventually help will come, somewhere, somehow. Not a magic wand "cure" - but improvement, and progress - and a tiny ray of sunshine. You didn't "deserve" this any more than another teen-ager "deserves" to be killed by a drunk driver. The tragedy is - 'til we get to heaven, the world we live in is filled with wrong and injustice and crime. You have been made vividly aware of that reality.

So what are you supposed to do now? Keep it up - keep yourself moving forward, one tiny step at a time. Keep dealing with your issues. And make a commitment to yourself and to God - someday, when you're stronger again, you will do something every day to make your little corner of this dark world brighter. You can't fix this world. But don't spread misery and destruction and danger as your attacker did. Instead, spread hope and mercy and healing and Jesus to somebody else - a little bit every day. YOU ARE SPECIAL, and God made you a gift to

the people around you.

"That the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and ye in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (II Thessalonians 1:12)

"Nobody can know."

Why?

And I know you're now giving me a list of reasons a mile long.

And - some are very valid reasons. It truly may threaten your survival if this info. gets in the wrong hands. Or you may be surrounded by people whom you know could never possibly understand or accept you again, if you could even get them to believe you in the first place.

But most of you have at least ONE safe person in your life whom you could confide in. And whom you NEED to confide in. I promise you - that person is not perfect, and he/she will not react perfectly to you all the time. But you've got to give that person a chance to walk with you through all this - imperfectly, but most likely faithfully. Now this will take serious courage on your part. I know you are completely petrified to trust another human being with your most sacred earthly secret. O.K. - so you ask - Why? Why on earth is it so necessary to tell someone else? I'm glad you asked.

1. You need to be loved. You need warmth and concern and support - not only from God, but also from someone you can SEE - after you've been so terribly mistreated.

2. You are overwhelmed by emotions. Mostly, you're FEELING, not THINKING. And there are alot of decisions to be made that need THINKING. So, another person sometimes can temporarily help you think things out.

3. Or, maybe you're feeling nothing at all. It will help you to watch another person model feelings for you 'til some of your feelings come back.

It is true - you must be very careful who to trust with this info. Test the "waters" with someone first - tell them a "minor" secret and see if they're trustworthy with that. Or, just evaluate - do they keep their commitments to you? Are they mature in other situations? Someone who just "stood you up" or a "friend" who completely ditched you for another more popular person at the last party is probably NOT a good person to tell.

Eventually, you may have to tell some "official" people. You may not be ready for that today. But confiding in that one friend today may be just the "practice" you need for the hard work of finally reporting the crime, or getting psychological help from a counselor you just met.

YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! QUIT PANICKING AND HYPER-VENTILATING! Take slow, deep, easy breaths. Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw muscles. Un-tighten your tummy. Your friend is the same loveable, though imperfect, person she/he was before this happened to you. No magic wand to make everything fixed, but a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a glimmer of light in what is a deep, dark tunnel for you.

Let someone else in on this crisis.

"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)

"What good has church done us?"

What if your assault happened at church? And not a soul on earth will believe you? What do you do when, what SHOULD be your SAFEST PLACE ON EARTH, becomes your most dangerous? For some of you, it's your own home - and it's one of your own parents! What do you do when the most horrible experience of your life happens "on holy ground" - a place you thought God would especially protect? HOW CAN YOU GO BACK THERE?

Still we know that God says in Hebrews 10:25 to forsake not the assembling of ourselves together. Unfortunately, He didn't add: "but only if you're safe and protected there." We know that in other countries beside America, church IS the most dangerous place on earth for Christians - but for different reasons. In countries without religious freedom, walking to church can bring the possibility that you're walking straight to your imprisonment or even formal execution. In past history, church officials have at times been some of the most corrupt individuals on earth, and experts at victimizing their particular "flock." So . . . . . church can be really, really BAD.

So why, in the name of all that's logical, would you go to church?

First of all, let's get one thing straight. A church building, in and of itself, is nothing especially "holy." Ask anybody who's in the business of building churches. It's a bunch of bricks and concrete and wood and nails and siding. It's the same as any other building - a school, a shopping mall, an office. And the bigger the church (or any other building), the harder it is to keep safe and secure. God "lived" in Israel's temple in the Old Testament, but He no longer does that - He now "lives" in the hearts and souls of His people. So it's not - wherever a church is, God is. Instead, it's now - wherever CHRISTIANS are, God is.

Second, I don't know all the reasons why, but there is value for you in corporately worshipping with other Christians - no matter how "flawed" those Christians may be. You may not be able to go back to the church where "it" happened - that's o.k. Go to another one. Or you may have to get somebody else to pick you up for church. Or you may not be able to participate in all the church activities you used to. Or you may have to sit next to your parents or Sunday School teacher or another "safe" person. Or you may have to get your best friend to meet you at the door. MAKE WHATEVER ADJUSTMENTS YOU HAVE TO MAKE TO KEEP GETTING YOURSELF TO CHURCH.

You will find something good there - even if it's just tiny. It may be the friendly way someone smiles at you. It may be a five-word phrase in a song. It may be one Scripture the pastor reads. It may be one sentence in a prayer offered in Sunday School. WRITE IT DOWN. Take paper with you and write that one good thing down. And hold on to that single golden nugget all week long. And go back next week for more - there just might be TWO good things next time!

"It doesn't matter."

I don't think this is what you really mean. I think what you REALLY mean to say is, "It does matter, but there's no hope that things will improve, so I'll try to pretend that it's no big deal. I don't know what else to do." I hear several messages in this: hopelessness, discouragement, defeat, a feeling of being abandoned and rejected and unloved and invisible. All in all, you believe YOU don't matter 'cause that's the message you're taking in.

Some of you may even feel guilty 'cause you see the time and effort and money and work that other people are giving up trying to help you. You just want everybody to stop all the fuss and maybe everything will just go away. Dream on. It doesn't work that way.

This is so unfair, I know, but when you were attacked or molested, a load of HARD WORK was dumped in your lap. There are numerous issues to be confronted and handled. At times this will seem overwhelming. But - listen to me - YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO BE REQUIRED TO OVERCOME THESE PROBLEMS! Countless others have gone down this road before you and have conquered "the mountain." Some of them will even say - It shouldn't have happened - it was horrible - but I have become stronger as a result of these struggles.

You will have major victories as well as heartbreaking set-backs. It will be "three steps forward, two steps back." Ask any Olympic gold-medalist if their journey was smooth and always filled with success. I seriously doubt it. But IT IS WORTH ALL THE ENDLESS EFFORT. You are making progress - you are moving forward. A better day will finally come - a day when you can truly feel a smile inside - once a day. Then you'll feel that smile twice a day. Treasure those moments, however rare they are. Write them down on a calendar. If you still can never feel a smile, keep working your program. Hang on to hope that someday that glimmer of happiness will peek back in through the cracks in your world.

YOUR LIFE IS VALUABLE. Don't stop working to redeem your life from the rubble. God created you in His image - "So God created man (and woman) in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them." (Genesis 1:27) You share a resemblance to the God of the universe. We should feel honored that such a perfectly holy, pure, righteous Being as Jehovah God would want to intentionally and obviously identify Himself with us humans. And when God's image in us became marred because we sinned, God immediately set in motion a plan of ultimate sacrifice - just so our lives could be restored to Him in fellowship and victory. "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." (I Corinthians 15:22)

Jesus is for you! Repeat this 'til you finally believe it. He is watching your agonizing daily struggle and cheering you on. "Wherefore He (Jesus) is able to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by Him, seeing HE EVER LIVETH TO MAKE INTERCESSION FOR THEM." (Hebrews 7:25)

"But this happened at church."

Can you believe we're actually saying this? How much of a shambles is our world in when the unspeakable horror of rape can occur within the four walls of "God's house"? How can this happen?

First of all, I know that the devil is attacking God's work and His people as never before. His techniques have seemed to frighteningly intensify in my lifetime. What better way to completely disintegrate an entire congregation's faith in God than to reveal the real danger that exists in innocently attending church? Wow! Slam-dunk!

To carry out his wicked schemes, the devil (whom we CAN'T see) uses PEOPLE (whom we CAN see) who have somehow made themselves available to carry out his will and his purposes. (Please don't misunderstand me. I am NOT implying that your attacker was "hopelessly overpowered" by the devil. I'm not releasing the perpetrator from personal responsibility. I'm simply clarifying the origin of the devious agenda from which rape comes.)

I Peter 5:8 says, "Be sober, be vigilant, because your ADVERSARY the devil, as a ROARING LION, walketh about, SEEKING WHOM HE MAY DEVOUR."

Do you feel like something has been trying to devour you, drag you down, suck you under? That's because the devil has been trying to do exactly that!

You have GOT to join the winning team. There's no other way to beat the devil.

"Forasmuch then as the children (humans) are partakers of flesh and blood, He (Jesus) also Himself took part of the same; that through death HE (Jesus) MIGHT DESTROY HIM THAT HAD THE POWER OF DEATH, THAT IS, THE DEVIL; AND DELIVER THEM (humans) who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage." (Hebrews 2:14-15)

You may have heard this a million times, but it will eternally be true. Jesus Christ, God's divine Son, came to earth as a baby at Christmas, died on a cross on Good Friday, and rose from the dead on Easter. Why? To save your soul. And to free you from the devil and his power over you. To give you a chance to not be defeated by your powerlessness and the sinful nature you inherited from the first human - Adam. (Remember him & Eve & the "apple"?)

Ditch this devil who is committed to destroying your eternal soul and join the Victor, Jesus Christ. He is your only Hope! You cannot win this battle alone - you MUST have help from Jehovah God who created this universe. PRAY to Him for mercy and salvation and comfort and aid and healing. He will answer your humble prayer.

"Where were You, God?"

How many times have I asked this question?

We know for a fact that God is always present everywhere. There's a name for that - it's called OMNIPRESENCE: "Whither shall I go from Thy (God's) spirit? or whither shall I flee from Thy (God's) presence?" (Psalm 139:7)

If a third human being had been present with you & the perpetrator, something inside you tells you that third person would have either attacked the perp. & stopped the assault or that third person's simple presence would have prevented the perpetrator's attack in the first place. So......

we know God WAS there - He WAS the third Person present, & He is all-powerful, & He didn't stop or prevent the attack. How can this be?

I guess most of us, instead of believing that God didn't help us, choose rather to believe that God must not have been there at all. But the facts tell us that God WAS, in fact, THERE.

I don't know all the answers, but I DO know - God lets people sin. He doesn't stop people from sinning. The problem is - some people's sins are not seriously damaging - like repeating some gossip or telling a "white lie." Other people's sins, on the other hand, are felony offenses & absolutely destroy the lives of others - even at times to the point of torture & murder. Additionally, I know that God has set some natural laws in order that He doesn't alter - like the law of gravity, for instance. If you jump out of a three-story window, you're going straight DOWN, not up: I don't care how good of a Christian you are! Similarly, God has established a law about man's free will - man chooses to follow God's ways or reject God's ways. And God won't "make" a person change. The person who attacked you chose to reject God's ways.

But if you're reading this today, it is a sure thing that, in the midst of your tragedy, God gave you a priceless gift: the preservation of your life. You may not see your survival as a gift. You may hate God for keeping you alive. But the fact remains - your life is valuable & priceless. And there is a way, somehow, to find a better day & a better way for yourself. You just may not have figured out how yet. But you must hold on to your amazing life 'til you can figure out how to make things better. Promise me you will do that.

My heartfelt prayer for you is that, someday, somehow, you can believe God again when He says, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." (Hebrews 13:5)

I pray for you to heal in this area.

"Nobody understands."

Right again.

You've gone to counselor after counselor. Some of them may have told you they were raped themselves. But they still don't understand YOUR situation - 'cause, maybe your rape got you pregnant & their rape didn't. Or, maybe it was your own father & it was just their first date with a guy they'd just met. Or, maybe YOUR rape happened at church - by the priest or music director. Or, maybe you're a guy. Or, maybe your family won't believe you. SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SITUATION WILL MAKE IT COMPLETELY UNIQUE TO YOU.

But, remember this - every other rape victim feels the same way. Take comfort in the fact that there's a multitude of other hurt people out there that feel exactly the same way you do - that noone does or ever will understand.

So you know what that means? YOU have to be your own best friend. YOU have to figure out what makes you work & what shuts you down (and I promise you the "answer" is not drugs or alcohol or any other self-destructive behavior.) Set positive goals for yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Do one thing today, no matter how small, to reach your goals. Set relationship goals - with your parents, your brothers & sisters, your friends, your boyfriends or girlfriends. Move forward somehow today. Be kind to yourself. Don't help your attacker sabotage your future. Think about what wise advice you'd give to someone else & give it to yourself. Then follow it.

Then someday you'll wake up & know - noone else HAD to understand you anyway. You were smart enough to figure out what you needed to make it. You were your own best friend.

And Jesus is on your side. He loves you. And, believe it or not, He DOES understand you. Jesus was abused. Jesus was even murdered - the ultimate in violent torture & mistreatment & abuse:

"He (Jesus) is despised & rejected of men; a man of sorrows & acquainted with grief....." (Isaiah 53:3)

"Then did they spit in His (Jesus's) face, & buffeted Him; & others smote Him with the palms of their hands..." (Matthew 26:67)

Find a way to take your pain to the Person who has hurt as deeply as you have.

"They'll look at me differently."

You're right - some people will.

I believe people will fall into one of roughly four categories.

1. People who will re-examine their views on rape & realize they have not understood this issue in the past. Some will learn a little - others will learn alot. View this as progress. Be thankful for any glimmer of understanding, no matter how tiny. Be patient with their feeble attempts to understand. They wouldn't be trying if they didn't care about you.

2. People who will reject you - primarily out of fear and panic. The subject is too horrible for them to even consider, let alone face down. Don't hate these people - feel sorry for them. If they are paralyzed by their fear in this area, they will be shut down in other areas as well. Don't hate them - don't fear them. They deserve your compassion. They are not really living.

3. People who "get it" - your counselors, a precious few others scattered around - many who have been raped or sexually abused themselves. Treasure these people. Thank them. Don't run from them. They may make you feel uncomfortable, but it's the discomfort of a surgeon's knife who brings healing. Trust me - they don't do what they do 'cause it's fun.

4. "Unsafe" people who will view you as having a weakness & are therefore an easy target for further types of victimization. Run away from these people. Don't have anything to do with them.

Understand, though - GOD doesn't view you differently. If anything, He loves you MORE.

God has a special concern for the oppressed. Matthew 9:36 says, "But when He (Jesus) saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, & were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd." Psalm 102:17 says, "He will regard the prayer of the destitute, & not despise their prayer." God looks on your affliction.

I will say this, though . . . . IF someone does look on you "differently" because you've been raped or sexually abused, they're wrong. Someone STOLE from you - security, innocence, safety, privacy, peace of mind. Let's say your purse or wallet gets stolen. Would I say, "You're different 'cause someone stole your purse/wallet. Something must be wrong with you. Why would they have chosen to steal YOUR purse & not someone else's?" That reaction would be crazy! You are a victim of a violent crime & you've been affected because of it. But, you are in no way "damaged" any more than a person who gets their purse or wallet stolen or their house broken into.